I've been fortunate enough to be married to a man who appreciates me, and loves me just for being me. I was lucky enough to find my best friend, and my husband when I met Denver. He's seriously the best thing that could've happened to me - and we've been so graciously given the gift of a gorgeous home, a wonderful family and two perfect little boys to share all of it with. I mean, seriously, who else could love someone so much, that they have a 5 week old baby and are already jonesing for another?! :) Our life is pretty much everything I could've hoped for. I always feel wanted and cared about, and I've never doubted whether or not he loves me. I know that I'm fortunate, and I'm forever grateful for it. Having said that, I want to cover a sort of fragile topic. I have a lot of friends who are struggling with their relationships right now. I know there are some women out there who aren't feeling as lucky as I do today. I know there are some who are questioning things, or longing for something, anything, to give them a reason to hang on. And I want to say this... Because these women are my friends, and I always try to shed a little light if I can.
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Men. (Or women, whoever it may apply to. I say men because my friends dealing with this are girls.) Seriously, go home and love your wife/girlfriend/significant other. When you finish working, or doing whatever it is you do, remember that she has had a long day, too. Regardless of whether she is with your children everyday or working out of the home, she deserves all of you. Not just the part of you that is left over at the end of the day. All of you. Treat your spouse with respect and kindness, and I promise you will always get it in return. It really isn't that hard. Please remember that your wife is playing many different roles, spinning many plates daily. She's a mother, a teacher, a daughter, a house keeper, a nurse, a playmate, a friend, but most of all, she's your wife. Your companion and your friend. Try to remember all of the amazing reasons you fell in love with her every day... and TELL HER. Speak of her beauty, and not just in her looks. Although it is always ok to compliment her, make it classy. Her beauty is far more than what is on the outside. Her intelligence, and devotion to all she does makes that beauty so much more distinct. Pay attention to the way she laughs, how she remembers things, and her character. If you have children, compliment her incredible ability to always be the best mother she can be, even when she's given all that she possibly can and there's nothing left to give. Mother's do a lot, and it is always nice to hear that we are doing a good job. Might I add that kind gestures do not go unnoticed, no matter how small. Flowers? Sure, why not? But even sorting and folding a pile of laundry or picking up her favorite candy on the way home. Clean the baseboards, change a diaper or offer her a kid-free day to just relax and do for herself what she wouldn't do any other day. Being in a relationship is challenging, and it should be. It was never meant to be easy. It should challenge your mind and your heart every second that you're in it. If it didn't life would be way too predictable. But those challenges are not meant to crush you. They are a test. A test that determines whether or not your love for each other is strong enough to endure a little rough wind. Sails of the ship can always be adjusted. Rough wind should never been enough to make you sink. Find happiness in the fact that this woman has chosen to spend her entire life with you. She has chosen to go through the good AND the bad, by your side. She's chosen to lift you up in the shining moments and comfort you during your failures. She's chosen to give up her body, because the stretch marks and the damn near unbearable aches and pains of pregnancy could never outweigh the reward of having those precious babies with the man that she is totally crazy about. Trust your spouse. Trust her, because she trusts you. Trust that she has your best interest at heart. Trust that she will always fight for you, and for the life you've built together. Refrain from negative comments. Refrain from causing contention just because you feel the need arising. You cannot litter negativity everywhere and expect to have a positive relationship. Always tell the truth - no matter how hard it may be to do. There is nothing worse than a relationship that is built on or around lies. And that is ANY kind of relationship. Your wife is not this weak and feeble person who is going to crumble over a little brutal honesty. Give her a little more credit. I can guarantee, she is a lot stronger than you think. Odds are she has seen and heard more than you know. We are women - and we prepare ourselves for the worst most days. No matter who or what it's from. We prepare. At the end of the day, this woman is what it all comes down to. Her smile, her wit, her flaws and all of her strength. The strength that it takes to deal with screaming babies all day. The strength that it takes to be mature in situations when the only thing she wants to do is shatter, and throw a few punches. Sometimes at you. The strength that it takes to be so overwhelmed by bills and kids and a career that she can't remember what day it is. The strength that it takes to feel like she is the only one fighting for this. Relationships do not have to fail. They really don't. But both parties have to be trying. There is no one way street. There's no instruction manual for love, but if you don't at least make an effort, you'll always lose. Give up the ego, the pride and the arrogance. Stop guilting your wife. Stop making her feel like she's beneath you, or like she owes you something. You are both carrying different weight in this. There is never, NEVER an excuse for being an asshole just because you feel like you can. Man up, grow up. This woman that at one point you couldn't get enough of is still standing in front of you, begging you to change your ways and just look her in the eye. Begging you to be that guy that she knows you can be. It's still there. But you're going to have to give up some things to get back to that. And you CAN get back to it. A little understanding and compromise is all it takes. It's a start, and if there is even the chance of a new start, then everything else will fall into place. Mistakes will always be made. That is a given. Trials will arise. But what matters most is that you both be stronger than those mistakes and tribulations. If I've learned anything in life it's that love is, with some exceptions, always worth it. The love for your spouse, your children, your family, and your friends. Love is not this thing that you just wake up not feeling one day. Which is why I firmly believe that it is one of the most powerful feelings, and it can conquer even the most difficult.
To my girls specifically, when you feel like giving up... When you are so weak you feel like stopping completely. I know that sometimes these things I've said aren't always as simple as they seem. I mentioned there were exceptions. When you've cried all the tears you can cry and have hid all the pain you can possibly hide, try to remember why you've held on for so long. I know your tired. I know your grip is slipping. And I know you are angry. But as I said before, you are STRONGER. You are better. And you are worthy of so much more. No one can be all good and right all of the time. If you have done the very best you can, then sometimes there is nothing more you can do. Sometimes, although you feel that your love is enough, both parties don't agree. And as sad and heartbreaking as it may feel, maybe it really is time to let go. Not for him but for yourself. For the sake of your future and your happiness. Love can still remain if you are taking care of yourself. What you felt for that person may never really go away, and that's ok. It is ok to care for people, even when they don't express a care in the world for you. That is called being compassionate. It's called looking beyond the imperfections and seeing something deeper. And because you did the right thing, a reward will always come. Maybe not today, and maybe not next week... but someday. You will realize why you went through all that you did. You will see why a way out wasn't so apparent at the time. Everything will make perfect sense. Whatever you are facing daily in this relationship, you are going to make it. It is utter hell right now but the world is not ending. The tears will dry and the sun will rise again tomorrow. You know how they say everything looks better in the morning? I believe that. Because I believe a little rest and a clear mind can help to ease just about any pain. No, it won't make it go away, but it will rationalize your thoughts and decisions. It's healthy to have a break down once in a while, as long as you don't unpack and live there. Pick yourself up and take a look in the mirror at the wonderful, courageous and smart woman you are. A man didn't make you all of those things. Those attributes are YOURS and yours alone. I know you've been a part of something and someone else for so long that you wonder what life will be like without that, and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't really matter. Because sometimes being alone for a little while outweighs the agony of the way you are being treated. I believe you should never allow yourself to completely drown in doubt and pity. And you should never take any mental, physical or emotional beat down just because you feel obligated to. No one should have that power, no matter how much you love them. All of this is to let you know that you are going to be ok in the end. No matter what you decide to do. The decision is always yours. No one else's. And I promise you, if it's not ok, it's not the end. :)
