Loving or losing

I've been fortunate enough to be married to a man who appreciates me, and loves me just for being me. I was lucky enough to find my best friend, and my husband when I met Denver. He's seriously the best thing that could've happened to me - and we've been so graciously given the gift of a gorgeous home, a wonderful family and two perfect little boys to share all of it with. I mean, seriously, who else could love someone so much, that they have a 5 week old baby and are already jonesing for another?! :) Our life is pretty much everything I could've hoped for. I always feel wanted and cared about, and I've never doubted whether or not he loves me. I know that I'm fortunate, and I'm forever grateful for it. Having said that, I want to cover a sort of fragile topic. I have a lot of friends who are struggling with their relationships right now. I know there are some women out there who aren't feeling as lucky as I do today. I know there are some who are questioning things, or longing for something, anything, to give them a reason to hang on. And I want to say this... Because these women are my friends, and I always try to shed a little light if I can.

Men. (Or women, whoever it may apply to. I say men because my friends dealing with this are girls.) Seriously, go home and love your wife/girlfriend/significant other. When you finish working, or doing whatever it is you do, remember that she has had a long day, too. Regardless of whether she is with your children everyday or working out of the home, she deserves all of you. Not just the part of you that is left over at the end of the day. All of you. Treat your spouse with respect and kindness, and I promise you will always get it in return. It really isn't that hard. Please remember that your wife is playing many different roles, spinning many plates daily. She's a mother, a teacher, a daughter, a house keeper, a nurse, a playmate, a friend, but most of all, she's your wife. Your companion and your friend. Try to remember all of the amazing reasons you fell in love with her every day... and TELL HER. Speak of her beauty, and not just in her looks. Although it is always ok to compliment her, make it classy. Her beauty is far more than what is on the outside. Her intelligence, and devotion to all she does makes that beauty so much more distinct. Pay attention to the way she laughs, how she remembers things, and her character. If you have children, compliment her incredible ability to always be the best mother she can be, even when she's given all that she possibly can and there's nothing left to give. Mother's do a lot, and it is always nice to hear that we are doing a good job. Might I add that kind gestures do not go unnoticed, no matter how small. Flowers? Sure, why not? But even sorting and folding a pile of laundry or picking up her favorite candy on the way home. Clean the baseboards, change a diaper or offer her a kid-free day to just relax and do for herself what she wouldn't do any other day. Being in a relationship is challenging, and it should be. It was never meant to be easy. It should challenge your mind and your heart every second that you're in it. If it didn't life would be way too predictable. But those challenges are not meant to crush you. They are a test. A test that determines whether or not your love for each other is strong enough to endure a little rough wind. Sails of the ship can always be adjusted. Rough wind should never been enough to make you sink. Find happiness in the fact that this woman has chosen to spend her entire life with you. She has chosen to go through the good AND the bad, by your side. She's chosen to lift you up in the shining moments and comfort you during your failures. She's chosen to give up her body, because the stretch marks and the damn near unbearable aches and pains of pregnancy could never outweigh the reward of having those precious babies with the man that she is totally crazy about. Trust your spouse. Trust her, because she trusts you. Trust that she has your best interest at heart. Trust that she will always fight for you, and for the life you've built together. Refrain from negative comments. Refrain from causing contention just because you feel the need arising. You cannot litter negativity everywhere and expect to have a positive relationship. Always tell the truth - no matter how hard it may be to do. There is nothing worse than a relationship that is built on or around lies. And that is ANY kind of relationship. Your wife is not this weak and feeble person who is going to crumble over a little brutal honesty. Give her a little more credit. I can guarantee, she is a lot stronger than you think. Odds are she has seen and heard more than you know. We are women - and we prepare ourselves for the worst most days. No matter who or what it's from. We prepare. At the end of the day, this woman is what it all comes down to. Her smile, her wit, her flaws and all of her strength. The strength that it takes to deal with screaming babies all day. The strength that it takes to be mature in situations when the only thing she wants to do is shatter, and throw a few punches. Sometimes at you. The strength that it takes to be so overwhelmed by bills and kids and a career that she can't remember what day it is. The strength that it takes to feel like she is the only one fighting for this. Relationships do not have to fail. They really don't. But both parties have to be trying. There is no one way street. There's no instruction manual for love, but if you don't at least make an effort, you'll always lose. Give up the ego, the pride and the arrogance. Stop guilting your wife. Stop making her feel like she's beneath you, or like she owes you something. You are both carrying different weight in this. There is never, NEVER an excuse for being an asshole just because you feel like you can. Man up, grow up. This woman that at one point you couldn't get enough of is still standing in front of you, begging you to change your ways and just look her in the eye. Begging you to be that guy that she knows you can be. It's still there. But you're going to have to give up some things to get back to that. And you CAN get back to it. A little understanding and compromise is all it takes. It's a start, and if there is even the chance of a new start, then everything else will fall into place. Mistakes will always be made. That is a given. Trials will arise. But what matters most is that you both be stronger than those mistakes and tribulations. If I've learned anything in life it's that love is, with some exceptions, always worth it. The love for your spouse, your children, your family, and your friends. Love is not this thing that you just wake up not feeling one day. Which is why I firmly believe that it is one of the most powerful feelings, and it can conquer even the most difficult. 

To my girls specifically, when you feel like giving up... When you are so weak you feel like stopping completely. I know that sometimes these things I've said aren't always as simple as they seem. I mentioned there were exceptions. When you've cried all the tears you can cry and have hid all the pain you can possibly hide, try to remember why you've held on for so long. I know your tired. I know your grip is slipping. And I know you are angry. But as I said before, you are STRONGER. You are better. And you are worthy of so much more. No one can be all good and right all of the time. If you have done the very best you can, then sometimes there is nothing more you can do. Sometimes, although you feel that your love is enough, both parties don't agree. And as sad and heartbreaking as it may feel, maybe it really is time to let go. Not for him but for yourself. For the sake of your future and your happiness. Love can still remain if you are taking care of yourself. What you felt for that person may never really go away, and that's ok. It is ok to care for people, even when they don't express a care in the world for you. That is called being compassionate. It's called looking beyond the imperfections and seeing something deeper. And because you did the right thing, a reward will always come. Maybe not today, and maybe not next week... but someday. You will realize why you went through all that you did. You will see why a way out wasn't so apparent at the time. Everything will make perfect sense. Whatever you are facing daily in this relationship, you are going to make it. It is utter hell right now but the world is not ending. The tears will dry and the sun will rise again tomorrow. You know how they say everything looks better in the morning? I believe that. Because I believe a little rest and a clear mind can help to ease just about any pain. No, it won't make it go away, but it will rationalize your thoughts and decisions. It's healthy to have a break down once in a while, as long as you don't unpack and live there. Pick yourself up and take a look in the mirror at the wonderful, courageous and smart woman you are. A man didn't make you all of those things. Those attributes are YOURS and yours alone. I know you've been a part of something and someone else for so long that you wonder what life will be like without that, and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't really matter. Because sometimes being alone for a little while outweighs the agony of the way you are being treated. I believe you should never allow yourself to completely drown in doubt and pity. And you should never take any mental, physical or emotional beat down just because you feel obligated to. No one should have that power, no matter how much you love them. All of this is to let you know that you are going to be ok in the end. No matter what you decide to do. The decision is always yours. No one else's. And I promise you, if it's not ok, it's not the end. :) 

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Motherhood: Real and uncut

I can hardly remember a kid free life. I look back and it all seems like a blur. I was never a big party girl, and I never had to be with a crowd of people to validate myself. I guess in a way I remember certain things. But a baby didn't really put a kink in any plans I had, because I was already so adjusted to a pretty matured lifestyle. I have a somewhat decent recollection of life before kids. Always trying to impress people, do the right things. I remember being care free and not having many responsibilities. Trying to take everyone's advice and put it to good use for my future. But I could've never prepared myself for all the things in my life that I didn't have answers for. 

When I became pregnant with Jaxon, I received all sorts of unsolicited advice on how I should raise him. That's a large portion I do remember. You know, what I should do if he doesn't sleep. If I should or shouldn't circumcise him. How I should react when he gets his first stomach bug. What and when to feed him. Where the best pediatricians were. Whether or not I should breastfeed. Staying home with him or working full-time. How our sleeping arrangements should be. All the stuff people seem to think they know best about. 

I'm going to tell you a few things about what motherhood has taught me, and if by the end of this post it has made a momma or two out there a little more at ease about her choices, then I've done my job here today. 

My oldest son is almost three years old. He was an excellent sleeper his entire first year. I was a heavily scheduled, run a tight-ship type mom. To be honest, I still am. Jax was an ideal sleeper. I'm talking 13+ hours of straight sleep. We never had a problem. I was one of those moms who thought, well HA! I can brag on my kid because he's super cool and doesn't keep me awake all night. I even KIND OF already wanted another because of how simple he was. Yeah... no. Within the last 6-8 months my toddler has become a fucking religious nightmare. He is fantastic at putting himself to bed. When he's ready to go night night, he comes and tells me. We walk to his room and he gives his daddy and I a hug and a kiss and he puts himself to sleep in a twin bed. He doesn't fight it, doesn't need me to read to him and he doesn't need anyone in the room to accompany him. He'll sleep from about 7:45 to 2:00 AM. Then he wants to be awake the rest of the night. He flips around in the bed like a fish out of water. I'm not talking about wake up and cry awake, I'm talking about getting up and coming into our bedroom scaring the living shit out of us awake. We peacefully put him back to bed, and he climbs out again. Of course he climbs over my husband and he never even notices. That's just a speed bump to get to the one who will actually awaken from their slumber. MOMMA. It's gotten better over the last few months because he has very much matured in the bedtime area but he still wakes up a few times a night. You might think this means more sleep for me now. Wrong. If he ever wakes himself up, I have to watch the video baby monitor like a hawk until he falls back asleep to make sure I catch him if he attempts to get up. I want to instill in him that there is no reward for him getting out of that bed. Am I dreaming? Probably. I could just be completely and 110% dog ass tired, I don't know. No kid is perfect. Their sleep habits suck. It's normal. Expect it. And don't get your hopes up when they're finally doing good and sleeping through the night. It's only a matter of time before the next of nocturnal waves begin. 

I bottle fed my son. I didn't even try breastfeeding. GASP! I know. I didn't want to. I didn't have to. I had literally no desire in my bones to have a child eating all

his meals from my boob. Plus, he was a 9 lb baby. Do you honestly think my breastmilk would have been enough for him? Doubtful. And I wasn't about to be open tap for his chubbiness. No one out there is going to tell me how to feed my baby. I have a best friend who comes to my house and breastfeeds right in front of me. Because guess what? I don't care! I don't care how she feeds her baby and she knows that. It's awesome if she wants to breastfeed. She can feed the kid milk out of the carton. I don't care! Not my kid, not my business. She's the one who is raising him. It's her decision. Let me clear this up for anyone who may be questioning it. You don't get to choose what's right for someone else's child. Leave them ALONE. Especially if they are a first time mom. 

I weened my son off the pacifier about 6 months ago. I stopped letting him have it during the day cold turkey. He did great. My kido never really NEEDED the pacifier, we just kind of gave it to him to keep him quiet when he got a little fussy. The days have been awesome. He never shows that he even remembers he had one during the day. But yet again, he was never a big "rely on" the pacifier guy. But let me just say this... if I was to try and take that damn thing away from him when he goes to bed, total HELL would break loose in this household. He doesn't even suck on it! He just squeezes it like it's a security item or some shit. He loses them in the bed and freaks out and I have to run in there and give him another 5 of them before he starts whaling and wakes himself up. In all seriousness, I think he believes it's a security item to squeeze on. When he gets up in the morning and I make his bed, he has about 30 pacifiers under the sheet. I have to dig them all out and put them into a basket. Yes, there's that many. I don't know when he'll fully not need one and I really don't care. I try to remember that he's only a few months away from being 3. A single digit number. Still partially a baby. He still relies on me for pretty much everything, and if the pacifier in his hand soothes him to sleep then I will buy stock in them until he is sixteen. So what if they need it in the grocery store? So what if they walk and talk and still use it? So what if they need it all freaking day? So what if they're 5 and still love their wubanub? WHO. REALLY. CARES. Who is it killing? I can think of a million other things in the world that are worse than a kid having a pacifier. They WILL grow out of it. 

I was once in the check out line at Walmart when some old hag behind the register told me I was spoiling my son because I gave him the candy he was screaming for. Ok, seriously? You would rather hear my toddler shriek and cry over not getting a pack of Twix than me just hand it to him so everyone in the store can have their peace? And I assure you, if I didn't give it to him - he would cry all the way out of those automatic double doors, and probably through the parking lot. Please do not tell me that I am spoiling my child. I know I am spoiling him. I don't care that I've spoiled him. It's keeping what is left of my sanity in tact so I don't jump the fucking cash register and strangle you with your green "May I help You?" vest. Jaxon has been an only child for almost 3 years. What are the odds that he's going to think he can get what he wants when he wants it? I can't really say I blame him because I've had no one else to buy for. If we go to the store, he's probably getting a toy, or candy, or a balloon. If it gets me through one more grocery trip so I can get enough coffee to survive another week then throw that light saber in the buggy, kido. If you say you don't spoil your kids somehow, you are lying. Just like I know you pee in the shower. 

I never co-slept. My son slept in a swing next to the couch for the first 3 weeks of his life because we were learning a feeding routine. Then I put him in his crib and never looked back. I'm thankful he was a crib sleeper. It worked for us. I had busted my pregnant ass on that nursery and by God he was going to sleep in it. I did worry about him during the night, but I knew that was a perfectly natural feeling for a mother. My son has never needed me or a stuffed animal in bed with him. But if he did, would it really be the worst thing? I mean, eventually, he will grow up and not need me like he does now. I don't think sharing a bed is going to royally screw up any child. Just always know the safe way to do it. I know people who sleep with their kids, and they are happy that way. They make it work. It's their way of getting some rest and that's perfectly ok. I get rest with my kid across the house, in his own room, and that's ok, too. We are all just trying to make it. Do what works for you and be grateful that it does. Any sleep you get while you have children is good sleep. 

"I can't believe they are allowing their kid to scream like that in public." Only some asshole with no kids, or parent with a child who has not quite made it to the insanely vocal stage would actually mutter that phrase. It is normal for babies to cry. It is normal for toddlers to cry. And it is normal for older kids to get upset and throw insane fits in the middle of the aisle at Walmart. It's part of life. If you don't want to hear a toddler have a tantrum, don't go out into the world. I'm not going to drop what I'm doing and leave the store or food establishment because hearing my child scream makes you uncomfortable. Am I embarrassed? Obviously. Will I try to shut him up? Of course. But when it comes to the comprehension and attention span of a strong willed two year old, the odds are not really ever in my favor. Occasionally, we get lucky and I find a way to soothe his anger, but rarely. You have a right to make your own life decisions and are entitled to your opinion. I chose to have a child. He's not perfect and he does get overly emotional about things like butter packets being sealed and food being too hot to eat right when it comes out. He's a toddler. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the odds of you being a little asshole when you were two are probably pretty good. I will always do my best to keep my children well behaved in public places, but please understand that it doesn't always go that way. Try giving the mother in Costco with the pissed off toddler and screaming newborn a pat on the back. Tell her she's doing a good job and stop judging from afar. Odds are, she's probably not getting much rest right now. Hint: the fact she has both her kids at the grocery store with her.

I've been pretty fortunate as far as being able to stay at home with my son. I've worked a little, been in school for my doctorate and also done absolutely nothing. Being home isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm surrounded by toddler talk and annoying cartoons pretty much 24/7. When I need to get something done, I have a two year old up my ass constantly. Every task takes 3 times longer than it should. Things that should take me 5 minutes take half the day. The laundry, the dishes, making beds, dusting, mowing. Yep, you can bet my child is right there behind me. I love him to pieces. He's the best helper in the world. He loves to vacuum and wipe up spills. I've taught him well. He'll be nice and OCD just like his momma. But he's still a relentless little fart. I don't get much adult time. I can count the times I've been away from him on one hand. Yes, it's a blessing and a curse. Granted, I don't like to go out and drink or see crazy late night movies so a lot of times it doesn't really bother me much. I'm not big on going and spending the day at the mall. It's not my thing. To be honest, I don't feel like I miss much. I mean, I have the best job in the world, right? Seeing my kid grow each day. Ha! I really just enjoy laying in bed with a glass of cheap wine watching something good on Netflix while my kid slumbers in his bed. And so help me God if you ever wake him up. I have friends who love to go out. I have friends who still get plastered on Friday nights. I have friends who enjoy not getting out of their pajamas all week. And I have friends who enjoy nights away from their kids. I also have friends who work their asses off all week at a job, only to come home and still have a huge pile of laundry to do and a crying baby to take care of. Both sides of the court are hard to play. You can work at home and you can work out of the home. The job is never done. I am tired all the time. There's not enough time in the day to do all that I need to do and my husband works late every single night. I have no time for myself, my hair stays crammed in a messy bun, and I'm too pregnant to bend over when I clean so I'm constantly doing this awkward cave man squat. I have no babysitters because my family is in Texas. If you have any sort of help with your kids, take it. Be grateful that you have what you do and never abuse it. It's a very difficult task to take it all on by yourself. You are only one person. Either way, we are all equally as exhausted. I can attest to the fact that staying at home is not an easy job to have. But you are not a negligent parent because you chose your career. And maybe you didn't choose the career. Maybe financially you didn't have the option of giving it up. Maybe you have an agreement with your spouse that you won't stay home full-time. That's perfectly ok. It's one of the shitty things about being a woman. We often don't get the luxury of CHOOSING our children first anymore. Sometimes it's either have a stable income and a nice home or stay home and move into a cheap ass rent house. Not everyone can have both. We SHOULD be able to, but not anytime soon in this world. No matter which, you're still a good mom. Whether you love being a stay at home or you hate it. Whether you work everyday or work part time. You are still giving yourself everyday to make life better for yourself and your family. All the while maintaining and taking on your motherly duties. And you do it without complaint. That's what really matters. Try to remember that it is never the size of the luxuries. Always the size of the heart. Your kids will be strong because you are strong.

We are currently potty training. If you've ever had to potty train a speech delayed child, it's like staring into the gates of firey hell. My son has come a long way in the last year. He wasn't picking up words or sentences by age 2 and we were getting pretty concerned. Communication is key in potty training and when you don't have that it makes it very difficult. The more I talked to other parents, the more I started feeling like Jax was somewhat behind. I, of course, immediately panicked and had his hearing checked again, which was normal. I went to Dollar Tree and bought out the education aisle. Something that was supposed to be about potty training turned into full on intervention for speech therapy. We started working on his letters and numbers and he picked it up almost instantly. It was like a breath of fresh air. He started singing his ABC's and asking us short questions. He's still learning, don't get me wrong. But we have really come far from where he used to be. Anyway, back to the potty training. So I've stated my kid is almost 3, right? Well, he does pretty good... when he wants to. He mastered the peeing part fairly fast (yet again, when he wants to) but we aren't quite to the whole #2 thing yet. We bought him the frog potty with the propeller that spins and right away he took to it. Some days he's peeing in the potty, other days he's peeing in my floor. Right now he's just going to his room and shutting the door and not saying anything about having to go when the other urge strikes. He obviously knows he needs to be doing it in private. I've cleaned up more attempts at potty training than I can count. I see all my mom friends working with their toddlers and they seem to be dealing with the same things. I've sort of come to terms with the fact that he will learn when he is truly ready. It's going to be a messy, gross and very tedious but I know that he will get it down. He's a smart boy. He is set to start pre-k in the next school year and I'm holding out hope that he will be fully trained by then if we hit it hard after the holidays. All in all, he's learning just like every other toddler out there. Some are trained at 2 and some aren't fully trained until they turn 5. It just depends on their motivation, comprehension and desire to actually do it. If your child isn't on the level of readiness quite yet, you are not a lazy parent. You aren't falling behind. You aren't doing anything wrong. Every kid is 100% different. Don't expect them to all learn at the same pace. Especially things that involve working and controlling their little private parts. Potty training will eventually be a distant memory for all of us. Oh, what a glorious day that will be! When cleaning dirty butts and finding a place to dispose of the smelliest diapers in the world so they don't stink up the entire house is a thing of the past. 

All in all, motherhood is an everyday trial. It's hard. It's probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done. We need to start building other Mother's up instead of tearing them down for their choices or situations. No mom is perfect. I would like to think I do a pretty decent job at parenting and disciplining my kid, but unfortunately, I'm probably still raising an asshole. They will learn over time. It's really ok if everything isn't perfect. We are all struggling. We are all tired. And we are all still learning day by day. I'm about to give birth to another son any day now, and I still don't have any of this figured out. I've read books, articles, ads and magazines on this whole parenting shit show. You can Google search, "how to put a stop to tantrums" and read Pinterest's "ways to calmly speak to your child on their level" until your little heart gives out but I promise, your kid is not doing anything that mine isn't or hasn't already done. You are not alone in your miserable days when you want to pull your hair out. It's normal that you've thought about walking out without packing a bag and not looking back. Kids do that to you. And you are in good company. Nothing that you do will change that your child is a child. Continue to do what you are good at. Be a shoulder to cry on when they are sad and the keeper of the overly sugared chocolate chip granola bars. Be their security. Be their guidance, because Lord only know in this world they will need it. Be their comfort. Be a Sonic Happy Hour date. But most of all, just keep being their mother. It's a job you could never fail at. :)

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