Dear sixteen year old me

Dear sixteen year old me,

Life is hard, but it is not as complicated as you are making it. Slow down, take your time, and open your eyes. The problem is, you are paying attention to all the wrong things. You are dying on all the wrong hills. This life really is good, and your future is going to be amazing. Hold on. I promise you it's going to be worth it. 

Give things a chance. Stop second guessing yourself. You might actually be good at whatever you're thinking about trying. Don't sell yourself short of anything. You just might regret it later if you do. 

Let loose and have some fun. Join in. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. You don't have to fall in line with the rest of the world. It's ok to be yourself. I know that you want to work hard, and I know that you want to be smarter, but it's really going to be ok if you give yourself a break. You aren't going to have it together all the time - and I'm here to tell you, 10+ years later, you still won't have your shit 100% together. It's life, and you might as well get used to things being all over the place now.

I wish I could say that you're going to stay close to everyone you are close to now, but unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. You're going to lose people. Friendships will fade. People you thought would always be there will disappear for all sorts of reasons. People you made plans with. People you told everything to. People you couldn't imagine your life without. But, you will learn as time goes on, it's a necessary part of the growing up process. It's a part of the change that comes with adulthood. We all go different directions in life. It's to be expected. You will always carry a different kind of love in your heart for these people. Never lose grip on that love. You may all be in different areas of life right now, some may even be in different parts of the world, but you are still bonded in a way that no one else will ever be bonded. It's a pretty incredible gift. 

Your body is fine. You look fine. And you're going to be fine. You don't need to be perfect. You don't have to be a certain number on the scale to be beautiful. You are beautiful the way you are. You are far too young to spend your time counting calories. Don't make adolescence a heap of misery because you feel like what you already are is not enough. You are enough. There is no real definition of beauty, because diversity is what makes up this world. That's what makes it so great. Obsessing is only killing your happiness, and trust me when I say, you want your happiness alive. 

That mean girl? The bully. The one who tortures you. The one who is only happy if she is making others feel bad about themselves. The one who is tormenting you in the hallway every single day. The one who the teachers let get away with whatever she damn well pleases. DO NOT give her the time of day. DO NOT waste your time trying to understand why she is the way she is. DO NOT give in to her. Do not let her make you feel like you can't get up, and face the day. Your future is bright. So bright. Remember, no matter what, to stay strong. To stay kind, even when it feels brutal to do so. You reap what you sew. You get what you give. And time will have a distinct way of showing you that. 

Don't drink an entire bottle of wine in a two hour time frame. You are a small framed child, who hasn't had many alcohol encounters in your short sixteen years. Plus, I know you ate some of those spicy pickles beforehand and that's not going to feel or taste so great coming up. And mark my words, it will come up. There's plenty of time to enjoy wine later. Trust me. 

Boys. Oh boys. I know right now it seems like having a boyfriend, or a date to the dance, is the most important thing. But trust me when I say, it's not. You have so much time to find the good guy. You have plenty of time to fall in love. I know the heartache hurts, and it's ok to feel it. It's part of growing up. But there is so much joy ahead for that little struggling heart of yours. And since I am in the future, I get to tell you that, you are the luckiest girl in the world. Your teenage relationship attempts, failures and heartbreaks are all part of an extraordinary path that is going to lead you to the right man's arms. A man who is going to love you, unconditionally, for the rest of your life. He will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Yes, you are going to make mistakes with the wrong ones along the way. Yes, you're going to cry. And yes, you're going to have setbacks. But pick yourself up and stay a fighter. This man is going to steal your heart someday, and he's worth pulling through for. 

Cherish the care free moments of your adolescence. Cherish the freedom and the lack of obligation and responsibility. These days are going to fly by quicker than you can imagine. Seize the day. Sleep in. Take twice as many pictures. Read a few more good books. Love, and when the sun rises tomorrow, love some more. Enjoy those long summer nights, laughing with your best friend. The football games. The crowd cheering as you and your cheerleading squad take the field at half time. Spend time with your family, and make extra time for your grandfather. 

Stand up for yourself, and have the courage to walk away when you don't feel comfortable. You are not wrong for doing what is right. Sometimes, the best thing you can say is no. You may lose potential friends, and you may not fit in - that's ok. Fitting in isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway. Besides, I can already tell you that the future wasn't so kind to the ones who felt mighty enough to throw those stones. People will always be critiquing your decisions. There will always be some kind of rumor about you. Embrace who you are, and why you walk away, during those times. Never fear it. And never let anyone make you feel bad for it. It's a rare, but nifty quality to have. 

Listen to your parents. Seriously, listen to them. Stop rolling your eyes. Wipe the smirk off your face. They are right and you are wrong. Majority of the time anyway. :) You'll fight them every chance you can, because you are you, and you feel as if your way is the best way. I hate to break it to you, but, you don't know shit. You are sixteen. They've been around the block. They know a thing or two. And they are trying to understand you. Cut them some slack. Raising a teenager is not easy, especially if they're dealing with more than one at a time. Give them a little credit. 

Right now, you believe so wholeheartedly, and so passionately. You somehow found trust in something because the world expected you to. You are at a vulnerable and naive age - and sadly, that is when you are the perfect prey. Don't jump the gun too soon. You don't have to conform. Don't be afraid to question anything and everything - and never, ever be scared to open your mind. This world is always changing. It's full of so many unique things you haven't quite seen the full potential of yet. Things that hide in the shadows, but shouldn't have to. And unfortunately in a conformed and manipulated world, unconditional kindness and acceptance are frowned upon. There are so many human beings in this world, and they each live a different lifestyle. None of which are wrong, or bad, or deserving of hatred. Always choose love and acceptance, in spite of what others may tell you. You may become the enemy for a while, and I'm sorry it has to be that way, but one of the most incredible things about your beliefs is that they are yours, and yours alone. They always will be. Your beliefs don't belong to any book, or tub of water, or pastor, church, or congregation. They belong to YOU. 

Forgive yourself. I know you're probably sitting in your room, crying, racking your brain over and over again... Listening to that shitty sad mix CD you made for times like these. This may come as news to you: You will screw up. A million times. You are human. You are a human teenager, at that. It's not the end of the world if things don't go exactly as you planned, and all is not lost if you make a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. They teach you, and make you a better person. Life is tricky. Sometimes, you get the test first and the lesson later. That will become more clear to you with age. All of the things that seem like such a big deal right now - will seem so small when you look back on them someday. Don't sweat the small stuff. In some cases, you will wish you'd done differently. Other times, you'll be thankful things turned out the way they did. There's a method to this life and all it's madness. Scouts honor.

Also, stay the fuck off of MySpace and Xanga. They are only going to get you in a shit load of trouble. 

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I won't apologize for loving my marriage

My husband and I have always had a great relationship. We are pretty much attached at the hip, and we don't like to do anything without each other. Not because we feel insecure, or obligated, but because we were best friends before we got married. We've always had a bond we couldn't explain. From the time I met him, to this very day, we have spent minimal time away from each other. He's taken work trips, and we actually lived in separate states at the beginning of our relationship, but as soon as we could be together full-time, we were.

I believe the sole foundations of a good marriage are communication, honesty, self-care, and most of all, friendship. Being able to laugh together, make each other feel good, and solve even the toughest of issues without the unnecessary brewing of a heated argument. Granted, that doesn't always happen, it's always a great goal to pursue. But, I get it, we're still human.

One of the most beautiful things I've discovered about marriage is that it's more than just, "someone always being there." I've found myself, and who I really am, through the gift of marriage. I've discovered the things I truly want and need to thrive as a wife and mother, and I've grown attached to my husband helping me figure out all of those things. I love my marriage because I can still have my womanly independence, all the while knowing it is totally acceptable for me to depend on someone else when I need to. 

I was once told that my husband and I were "weird" because he makes it a point to call me daily just to talk. Sometimes, he calls for a minute and other days we talk for an hour. (He has a really great job!) But this person looked down on me, and told me that we weren't normal, because we could carry on a lengthy conversation. Her choice of words were, "you can talk to your husband for an hour?" Almost as if it was unheard of, and shocking, that I enjoyed talks with the man I'm married to. I just sort of sat there, wondering if I should be questioning her, "you mean, you can't?" This person also told me that we were odd because my husband never says anything bad about me. That it's not, "the norm" to have literally no desire to harp on your spouse when everyone else in the conversation is hating on theirs. Obviously, this woman has marriage issues that she is very immature and vocal about, so I didn't take it too much to heart. But I guess, that's another one of those moments when I realized there are very big differences in every marriage. Some people say, "I do," for all the wrong reasons. And some people feel obligated to get married. Some just like the idea of marriage, the idea of the word, "wife." And some... some are just plain unhappy people who cannot be satisfied with or without life long commitments. 

I am not weak, because I sometimes need my spouse to help me stay stable, and strong. I married him because he is my rock. He is who I lean on when I feel like I could collapse at any moment. I have two children, a house, college courses and a side career in writing that I have really enjoyed pursuing. Those days of feeling like I could shatter do happen. It's reassuring to know that when I'm breaking, there's someone who knows how to help me put the pieces back together. Someone who 100% supports me in all of the things that I set my mind to. And I know, that whether I succeed, or fail miserably, he's still going to think I'm the greatest woman in the world. 

My husband and I are not "whipped," because we ask each other for permission before we go out or make plans. There is a stigma now that I don't understand. A stigma attached to men and women who have a mutual respect for one another, almost as if it's petty and something to poke fun at. My husband and I have a courtesy for each other, and we respect that there are two people in this relationship who need a life outside of our marriage, two people who still very much deserve their freedom (even though with kids, that's a tough one to make happen.) Making plans is not a big deal around our house, because we neither one have much extra time for them, but when the occasion does occur, we have an understanding. We love each other, and with that, we compromise. This is a loving, loyal marriage, it is not a holding cell. Please learn the difference before you criticize what you have no clue about. 

I am not insecure or needy, because I love to do things with my husband - and my husband is not "under my thumb" because he enjoys my company, as well. We are best friends. I can tell him anything, and I do, because I can't think of anything more amazing than hearing his voice. We have a great relationship underneath these wedding rings and written vows. We have so much in common, and we may not always have the same interests, but it's never been hard to share even those things because of our lasting interest in each other. Spending time together is what continues to give us that closer bond. I've met people who say they need a break from their spouse because they feel suffocated, and that's completely fine to need time to yourself. But I'm not one of those women. I don't NEED time alone. I don't mind it when it does happen, because I have two children pulling on my leg all day, but it's not something I go out of my way to have. Obviously, if I did need it, I would make it a priority, but my husband is my go-to, and he's fun. He makes me enjoy whatever it is I'm doing, and if spending my life with him is an insult to you, then you might need to find yourself a new friend. 

My husband and I are not two "off the wall" human beings because we don't bash each other in large groups, or to other people. I mean, sure, we have our fair share of arguments, and some go unsolved. I'm sure there really are days when he is tired, and feels like throwing me away, but out of respect for myself, our marriage and all that we've built together, he takes a deep breath and gives me another try. I'm a wreck more often than not, but he's always willing to help me clean up whatever mess I've gotten myself into. We don't need to tell the world our problems, or air out our dirty laundry to the first person who will listen. I firmly believe that a lot of the marriage issues in the world stem from lack of communication or communication to others regarding your relationship issues, instead of having those conversations with your spouse. I believe that negative public exposure of your problems will not better your relationship. Imagine the hurt, and the anguish that would arise if instead of telling other people, you told your significant other all of those negative things you said when you were angry or frustrated with them. Would you still be willing to open your mouth as easily? It's ok to not always agree, and to not always think that your partner is the greatest thing since sliced bread. We all have days like that now and again, but you should never make it a goal to gossip about your spouse. For better, or worse, remember? 

I don't live my life for other people. I don't love my husband because I'm expected to. I love him because he's everything that I can't be. I love him because he is the father of my two beautiful children. I love him because he makes me feel good about myself when I'm feeling down. I love him because he never stops working hard for our family. Because he leaves early in the morning and kisses my forehead even if I'm still sleeping. I love him because he, with zero doubts, supports my work, no matter what work it is that day. And even if I fall down over and over again, he is still there cheering me on to the next thing. 

Marriage is not simple, it's not easy, and it's not something you're going to wake up one day and have all figured out. But you can choose to work at it everyday, and have a positive outlook. I'm thankful to have such a wonderful relationship. Myself and my happiness are in no way affected by what one person thinks of me or my marriage. 

So, to this judgmental woman, who was shocked by my ability to have long conversations with my husband - maybe, just maybe, you should be less worried about the length of time I spend talking to mine, and start actually talking to yours. :) 

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