Loving or losing

I've been fortunate enough to be married to a man who appreciates me, and loves me just for being me. I was lucky enough to find my best friend, and my husband when I met Denver. He's seriously the best thing that could've happened to me - and we've been so graciously given the gift of a gorgeous home, a wonderful family and two perfect little boys to share all of it with. I mean, seriously, who else could love someone so much, that they have a 5 week old baby and are already jonesing for another?! :) Our life is pretty much everything I could've hoped for. I always feel wanted and cared about, and I've never doubted whether or not he loves me. I know that I'm fortunate, and I'm forever grateful for it. Having said that, I want to cover a sort of fragile topic. I have a lot of friends who are struggling with their relationships right now. I know there are some women out there who aren't feeling as lucky as I do today. I know there are some who are questioning things, or longing for something, anything, to give them a reason to hang on. And I want to say this... Because these women are my friends, and I always try to shed a little light if I can.

Men. (Or women, whoever it may apply to. I say men because my friends dealing with this are girls.) Seriously, go home and love your wife/girlfriend/significant other. When you finish working, or doing whatever it is you do, remember that she has had a long day, too. Regardless of whether she is with your children everyday or working out of the home, she deserves all of you. Not just the part of you that is left over at the end of the day. All of you. Treat your spouse with respect and kindness, and I promise you will always get it in return. It really isn't that hard. Please remember that your wife is playing many different roles, spinning many plates daily. She's a mother, a teacher, a daughter, a house keeper, a nurse, a playmate, a friend, but most of all, she's your wife. Your companion and your friend. Try to remember all of the amazing reasons you fell in love with her every day... and TELL HER. Speak of her beauty, and not just in her looks. Although it is always ok to compliment her, make it classy. Her beauty is far more than what is on the outside. Her intelligence, and devotion to all she does makes that beauty so much more distinct. Pay attention to the way she laughs, how she remembers things, and her character. If you have children, compliment her incredible ability to always be the best mother she can be, even when she's given all that she possibly can and there's nothing left to give. Mother's do a lot, and it is always nice to hear that we are doing a good job. Might I add that kind gestures do not go unnoticed, no matter how small. Flowers? Sure, why not? But even sorting and folding a pile of laundry or picking up her favorite candy on the way home. Clean the baseboards, change a diaper or offer her a kid-free day to just relax and do for herself what she wouldn't do any other day. Being in a relationship is challenging, and it should be. It was never meant to be easy. It should challenge your mind and your heart every second that you're in it. If it didn't life would be way too predictable. But those challenges are not meant to crush you. They are a test. A test that determines whether or not your love for each other is strong enough to endure a little rough wind. Sails of the ship can always be adjusted. Rough wind should never been enough to make you sink. Find happiness in the fact that this woman has chosen to spend her entire life with you. She has chosen to go through the good AND the bad, by your side. She's chosen to lift you up in the shining moments and comfort you during your failures. She's chosen to give up her body, because the stretch marks and the damn near unbearable aches and pains of pregnancy could never outweigh the reward of having those precious babies with the man that she is totally crazy about. Trust your spouse. Trust her, because she trusts you. Trust that she has your best interest at heart. Trust that she will always fight for you, and for the life you've built together. Refrain from negative comments. Refrain from causing contention just because you feel the need arising. You cannot litter negativity everywhere and expect to have a positive relationship. Always tell the truth - no matter how hard it may be to do. There is nothing worse than a relationship that is built on or around lies. And that is ANY kind of relationship. Your wife is not this weak and feeble person who is going to crumble over a little brutal honesty. Give her a little more credit. I can guarantee, she is a lot stronger than you think. Odds are she has seen and heard more than you know. We are women - and we prepare ourselves for the worst most days. No matter who or what it's from. We prepare. At the end of the day, this woman is what it all comes down to. Her smile, her wit, her flaws and all of her strength. The strength that it takes to deal with screaming babies all day. The strength that it takes to be mature in situations when the only thing she wants to do is shatter, and throw a few punches. Sometimes at you. The strength that it takes to be so overwhelmed by bills and kids and a career that she can't remember what day it is. The strength that it takes to feel like she is the only one fighting for this. Relationships do not have to fail. They really don't. But both parties have to be trying. There is no one way street. There's no instruction manual for love, but if you don't at least make an effort, you'll always lose. Give up the ego, the pride and the arrogance. Stop guilting your wife. Stop making her feel like she's beneath you, or like she owes you something. You are both carrying different weight in this. There is never, NEVER an excuse for being an asshole just because you feel like you can. Man up, grow up. This woman that at one point you couldn't get enough of is still standing in front of you, begging you to change your ways and just look her in the eye. Begging you to be that guy that she knows you can be. It's still there. But you're going to have to give up some things to get back to that. And you CAN get back to it. A little understanding and compromise is all it takes. It's a start, and if there is even the chance of a new start, then everything else will fall into place. Mistakes will always be made. That is a given. Trials will arise. But what matters most is that you both be stronger than those mistakes and tribulations. If I've learned anything in life it's that love is, with some exceptions, always worth it. The love for your spouse, your children, your family, and your friends. Love is not this thing that you just wake up not feeling one day. Which is why I firmly believe that it is one of the most powerful feelings, and it can conquer even the most difficult. 

To my girls specifically, when you feel like giving up... When you are so weak you feel like stopping completely. I know that sometimes these things I've said aren't always as simple as they seem. I mentioned there were exceptions. When you've cried all the tears you can cry and have hid all the pain you can possibly hide, try to remember why you've held on for so long. I know your tired. I know your grip is slipping. And I know you are angry. But as I said before, you are STRONGER. You are better. And you are worthy of so much more. No one can be all good and right all of the time. If you have done the very best you can, then sometimes there is nothing more you can do. Sometimes, although you feel that your love is enough, both parties don't agree. And as sad and heartbreaking as it may feel, maybe it really is time to let go. Not for him but for yourself. For the sake of your future and your happiness. Love can still remain if you are taking care of yourself. What you felt for that person may never really go away, and that's ok. It is ok to care for people, even when they don't express a care in the world for you. That is called being compassionate. It's called looking beyond the imperfections and seeing something deeper. And because you did the right thing, a reward will always come. Maybe not today, and maybe not next week... but someday. You will realize why you went through all that you did. You will see why a way out wasn't so apparent at the time. Everything will make perfect sense. Whatever you are facing daily in this relationship, you are going to make it. It is utter hell right now but the world is not ending. The tears will dry and the sun will rise again tomorrow. You know how they say everything looks better in the morning? I believe that. Because I believe a little rest and a clear mind can help to ease just about any pain. No, it won't make it go away, but it will rationalize your thoughts and decisions. It's healthy to have a break down once in a while, as long as you don't unpack and live there. Pick yourself up and take a look in the mirror at the wonderful, courageous and smart woman you are. A man didn't make you all of those things. Those attributes are YOURS and yours alone. I know you've been a part of something and someone else for so long that you wonder what life will be like without that, and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't really matter. Because sometimes being alone for a little while outweighs the agony of the way you are being treated. I believe you should never allow yourself to completely drown in doubt and pity. And you should never take any mental, physical or emotional beat down just because you feel obligated to. No one should have that power, no matter how much you love them. All of this is to let you know that you are going to be ok in the end. No matter what you decide to do. The decision is always yours. No one else's. And I promise you, if it's not ok, it's not the end. :) 

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Motherhood: Real and uncut

I can hardly remember a kid free life. I look back and it all seems like a blur. I was never a big party girl, and I never had to be with a crowd of people to validate myself. I guess in a way I remember certain things. But a baby didn't really put a kink in any plans I had, because I was already so adjusted to a pretty matured lifestyle. I have a somewhat decent recollection of life before kids. Always trying to impress people, do the right things. I remember being care free and not having many responsibilities. Trying to take everyone's advice and put it to good use for my future. But I could've never prepared myself for all the things in my life that I didn't have answers for. 

When I became pregnant with Jaxon, I received all sorts of unsolicited advice on how I should raise him. That's a large portion I do remember. You know, what I should do if he doesn't sleep. If I should or shouldn't circumcise him. How I should react when he gets his first stomach bug. What and when to feed him. Where the best pediatricians were. Whether or not I should breastfeed. Staying home with him or working full-time. How our sleeping arrangements should be. All the stuff people seem to think they know best about. 

I'm going to tell you a few things about what motherhood has taught me, and if by the end of this post it has made a momma or two out there a little more at ease about her choices, then I've done my job here today. 

My oldest son is almost three years old. He was an excellent sleeper his entire first year. I was a heavily scheduled, run a tight-ship type mom. To be honest, I still am. Jax was an ideal sleeper. I'm talking 13+ hours of straight sleep. We never had a problem. I was one of those moms who thought, well HA! I can brag on my kid because he's super cool and doesn't keep me awake all night. I even KIND OF already wanted another because of how simple he was. Yeah... no. Within the last 6-8 months my toddler has become a fucking religious nightmare. He is fantastic at putting himself to bed. When he's ready to go night night, he comes and tells me. We walk to his room and he gives his daddy and I a hug and a kiss and he puts himself to sleep in a twin bed. He doesn't fight it, doesn't need me to read to him and he doesn't need anyone in the room to accompany him. He'll sleep from about 7:45 to 2:00 AM. Then he wants to be awake the rest of the night. He flips around in the bed like a fish out of water. I'm not talking about wake up and cry awake, I'm talking about getting up and coming into our bedroom scaring the living shit out of us awake. We peacefully put him back to bed, and he climbs out again. Of course he climbs over my husband and he never even notices. That's just a speed bump to get to the one who will actually awaken from their slumber. MOMMA. It's gotten better over the last few months because he has very much matured in the bedtime area but he still wakes up a few times a night. You might think this means more sleep for me now. Wrong. If he ever wakes himself up, I have to watch the video baby monitor like a hawk until he falls back asleep to make sure I catch him if he attempts to get up. I want to instill in him that there is no reward for him getting out of that bed. Am I dreaming? Probably. I could just be completely and 110% dog ass tired, I don't know. No kid is perfect. Their sleep habits suck. It's normal. Expect it. And don't get your hopes up when they're finally doing good and sleeping through the night. It's only a matter of time before the next of nocturnal waves begin. 

I bottle fed my son. I didn't even try breastfeeding. GASP! I know. I didn't want to. I didn't have to. I had literally no desire in my bones to have a child eating all

his meals from my boob. Plus, he was a 9 lb baby. Do you honestly think my breastmilk would have been enough for him? Doubtful. And I wasn't about to be open tap for his chubbiness. No one out there is going to tell me how to feed my baby. I have a best friend who comes to my house and breastfeeds right in front of me. Because guess what? I don't care! I don't care how she feeds her baby and she knows that. It's awesome if she wants to breastfeed. She can feed the kid milk out of the carton. I don't care! Not my kid, not my business. She's the one who is raising him. It's her decision. Let me clear this up for anyone who may be questioning it. You don't get to choose what's right for someone else's child. Leave them ALONE. Especially if they are a first time mom. 

I weened my son off the pacifier about 6 months ago. I stopped letting him have it during the day cold turkey. He did great. My kido never really NEEDED the pacifier, we just kind of gave it to him to keep him quiet when he got a little fussy. The days have been awesome. He never shows that he even remembers he had one during the day. But yet again, he was never a big "rely on" the pacifier guy. But let me just say this... if I was to try and take that damn thing away from him when he goes to bed, total HELL would break loose in this household. He doesn't even suck on it! He just squeezes it like it's a security item or some shit. He loses them in the bed and freaks out and I have to run in there and give him another 5 of them before he starts whaling and wakes himself up. In all seriousness, I think he believes it's a security item to squeeze on. When he gets up in the morning and I make his bed, he has about 30 pacifiers under the sheet. I have to dig them all out and put them into a basket. Yes, there's that many. I don't know when he'll fully not need one and I really don't care. I try to remember that he's only a few months away from being 3. A single digit number. Still partially a baby. He still relies on me for pretty much everything, and if the pacifier in his hand soothes him to sleep then I will buy stock in them until he is sixteen. So what if they need it in the grocery store? So what if they walk and talk and still use it? So what if they need it all freaking day? So what if they're 5 and still love their wubanub? WHO. REALLY. CARES. Who is it killing? I can think of a million other things in the world that are worse than a kid having a pacifier. They WILL grow out of it. 

I was once in the check out line at Walmart when some old hag behind the register told me I was spoiling my son because I gave him the candy he was screaming for. Ok, seriously? You would rather hear my toddler shriek and cry over not getting a pack of Twix than me just hand it to him so everyone in the store can have their peace? And I assure you, if I didn't give it to him - he would cry all the way out of those automatic double doors, and probably through the parking lot. Please do not tell me that I am spoiling my child. I know I am spoiling him. I don't care that I've spoiled him. It's keeping what is left of my sanity in tact so I don't jump the fucking cash register and strangle you with your green "May I help You?" vest. Jaxon has been an only child for almost 3 years. What are the odds that he's going to think he can get what he wants when he wants it? I can't really say I blame him because I've had no one else to buy for. If we go to the store, he's probably getting a toy, or candy, or a balloon. If it gets me through one more grocery trip so I can get enough coffee to survive another week then throw that light saber in the buggy, kido. If you say you don't spoil your kids somehow, you are lying. Just like I know you pee in the shower. 

I never co-slept. My son slept in a swing next to the couch for the first 3 weeks of his life because we were learning a feeding routine. Then I put him in his crib and never looked back. I'm thankful he was a crib sleeper. It worked for us. I had busted my pregnant ass on that nursery and by God he was going to sleep in it. I did worry about him during the night, but I knew that was a perfectly natural feeling for a mother. My son has never needed me or a stuffed animal in bed with him. But if he did, would it really be the worst thing? I mean, eventually, he will grow up and not need me like he does now. I don't think sharing a bed is going to royally screw up any child. Just always know the safe way to do it. I know people who sleep with their kids, and they are happy that way. They make it work. It's their way of getting some rest and that's perfectly ok. I get rest with my kid across the house, in his own room, and that's ok, too. We are all just trying to make it. Do what works for you and be grateful that it does. Any sleep you get while you have children is good sleep. 

"I can't believe they are allowing their kid to scream like that in public." Only some asshole with no kids, or parent with a child who has not quite made it to the insanely vocal stage would actually mutter that phrase. It is normal for babies to cry. It is normal for toddlers to cry. And it is normal for older kids to get upset and throw insane fits in the middle of the aisle at Walmart. It's part of life. If you don't want to hear a toddler have a tantrum, don't go out into the world. I'm not going to drop what I'm doing and leave the store or food establishment because hearing my child scream makes you uncomfortable. Am I embarrassed? Obviously. Will I try to shut him up? Of course. But when it comes to the comprehension and attention span of a strong willed two year old, the odds are not really ever in my favor. Occasionally, we get lucky and I find a way to soothe his anger, but rarely. You have a right to make your own life decisions and are entitled to your opinion. I chose to have a child. He's not perfect and he does get overly emotional about things like butter packets being sealed and food being too hot to eat right when it comes out. He's a toddler. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the odds of you being a little asshole when you were two are probably pretty good. I will always do my best to keep my children well behaved in public places, but please understand that it doesn't always go that way. Try giving the mother in Costco with the pissed off toddler and screaming newborn a pat on the back. Tell her she's doing a good job and stop judging from afar. Odds are, she's probably not getting much rest right now. Hint: the fact she has both her kids at the grocery store with her.

I've been pretty fortunate as far as being able to stay at home with my son. I've worked a little, been in school for my doctorate and also done absolutely nothing. Being home isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm surrounded by toddler talk and annoying cartoons pretty much 24/7. When I need to get something done, I have a two year old up my ass constantly. Every task takes 3 times longer than it should. Things that should take me 5 minutes take half the day. The laundry, the dishes, making beds, dusting, mowing. Yep, you can bet my child is right there behind me. I love him to pieces. He's the best helper in the world. He loves to vacuum and wipe up spills. I've taught him well. He'll be nice and OCD just like his momma. But he's still a relentless little fart. I don't get much adult time. I can count the times I've been away from him on one hand. Yes, it's a blessing and a curse. Granted, I don't like to go out and drink or see crazy late night movies so a lot of times it doesn't really bother me much. I'm not big on going and spending the day at the mall. It's not my thing. To be honest, I don't feel like I miss much. I mean, I have the best job in the world, right? Seeing my kid grow each day. Ha! I really just enjoy laying in bed with a glass of cheap wine watching something good on Netflix while my kid slumbers in his bed. And so help me God if you ever wake him up. I have friends who love to go out. I have friends who still get plastered on Friday nights. I have friends who enjoy not getting out of their pajamas all week. And I have friends who enjoy nights away from their kids. I also have friends who work their asses off all week at a job, only to come home and still have a huge pile of laundry to do and a crying baby to take care of. Both sides of the court are hard to play. You can work at home and you can work out of the home. The job is never done. I am tired all the time. There's not enough time in the day to do all that I need to do and my husband works late every single night. I have no time for myself, my hair stays crammed in a messy bun, and I'm too pregnant to bend over when I clean so I'm constantly doing this awkward cave man squat. I have no babysitters because my family is in Texas. If you have any sort of help with your kids, take it. Be grateful that you have what you do and never abuse it. It's a very difficult task to take it all on by yourself. You are only one person. Either way, we are all equally as exhausted. I can attest to the fact that staying at home is not an easy job to have. But you are not a negligent parent because you chose your career. And maybe you didn't choose the career. Maybe financially you didn't have the option of giving it up. Maybe you have an agreement with your spouse that you won't stay home full-time. That's perfectly ok. It's one of the shitty things about being a woman. We often don't get the luxury of CHOOSING our children first anymore. Sometimes it's either have a stable income and a nice home or stay home and move into a cheap ass rent house. Not everyone can have both. We SHOULD be able to, but not anytime soon in this world. No matter which, you're still a good mom. Whether you love being a stay at home or you hate it. Whether you work everyday or work part time. You are still giving yourself everyday to make life better for yourself and your family. All the while maintaining and taking on your motherly duties. And you do it without complaint. That's what really matters. Try to remember that it is never the size of the luxuries. Always the size of the heart. Your kids will be strong because you are strong.

We are currently potty training. If you've ever had to potty train a speech delayed child, it's like staring into the gates of firey hell. My son has come a long way in the last year. He wasn't picking up words or sentences by age 2 and we were getting pretty concerned. Communication is key in potty training and when you don't have that it makes it very difficult. The more I talked to other parents, the more I started feeling like Jax was somewhat behind. I, of course, immediately panicked and had his hearing checked again, which was normal. I went to Dollar Tree and bought out the education aisle. Something that was supposed to be about potty training turned into full on intervention for speech therapy. We started working on his letters and numbers and he picked it up almost instantly. It was like a breath of fresh air. He started singing his ABC's and asking us short questions. He's still learning, don't get me wrong. But we have really come far from where he used to be. Anyway, back to the potty training. So I've stated my kid is almost 3, right? Well, he does pretty good... when he wants to. He mastered the peeing part fairly fast (yet again, when he wants to) but we aren't quite to the whole #2 thing yet. We bought him the frog potty with the propeller that spins and right away he took to it. Some days he's peeing in the potty, other days he's peeing in my floor. Right now he's just going to his room and shutting the door and not saying anything about having to go when the other urge strikes. He obviously knows he needs to be doing it in private. I've cleaned up more attempts at potty training than I can count. I see all my mom friends working with their toddlers and they seem to be dealing with the same things. I've sort of come to terms with the fact that he will learn when he is truly ready. It's going to be a messy, gross and very tedious but I know that he will get it down. He's a smart boy. He is set to start pre-k in the next school year and I'm holding out hope that he will be fully trained by then if we hit it hard after the holidays. All in all, he's learning just like every other toddler out there. Some are trained at 2 and some aren't fully trained until they turn 5. It just depends on their motivation, comprehension and desire to actually do it. If your child isn't on the level of readiness quite yet, you are not a lazy parent. You aren't falling behind. You aren't doing anything wrong. Every kid is 100% different. Don't expect them to all learn at the same pace. Especially things that involve working and controlling their little private parts. Potty training will eventually be a distant memory for all of us. Oh, what a glorious day that will be! When cleaning dirty butts and finding a place to dispose of the smelliest diapers in the world so they don't stink up the entire house is a thing of the past. 

All in all, motherhood is an everyday trial. It's hard. It's probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done. We need to start building other Mother's up instead of tearing them down for their choices or situations. No mom is perfect. I would like to think I do a pretty decent job at parenting and disciplining my kid, but unfortunately, I'm probably still raising an asshole. They will learn over time. It's really ok if everything isn't perfect. We are all struggling. We are all tired. And we are all still learning day by day. I'm about to give birth to another son any day now, and I still don't have any of this figured out. I've read books, articles, ads and magazines on this whole parenting shit show. You can Google search, "how to put a stop to tantrums" and read Pinterest's "ways to calmly speak to your child on their level" until your little heart gives out but I promise, your kid is not doing anything that mine isn't or hasn't already done. You are not alone in your miserable days when you want to pull your hair out. It's normal that you've thought about walking out without packing a bag and not looking back. Kids do that to you. And you are in good company. Nothing that you do will change that your child is a child. Continue to do what you are good at. Be a shoulder to cry on when they are sad and the keeper of the overly sugared chocolate chip granola bars. Be their security. Be their guidance, because Lord only know in this world they will need it. Be their comfort. Be a Sonic Happy Hour date. But most of all, just keep being their mother. It's a job you could never fail at. :)

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To my little boy: Your guide to such a big world.

You're going to stumble to get to where you really want to be, and it's always going to take time and a lot of patience, but you will get there. Never give up because you are waiting on something particular to happen. It is always worth the wait. Always. Patience is key, and you must have a lot of it to get through this life.

Love will find you. It will make you or break you, and sometimes the break is beyond your control. Your little heart will pull you in so many different directions, but if you were loving for the right reasons, you will never love in vain. Heartache is only temporary, and you will one day find someone who will make any and all of those breaks seem as if they weren't so drastic after all. Love is complicated and sometimes messy, but I can promise you that it is a complicated, messy, INCREDIBLE part of this world.

This world is full of differences. We are not all the same. Each and every person on this Earth is living a separate life from yours, and they are all fighting their own battle and dealing with their own struggle. It is your job to always be accepting of these differences. To never judge anyone for how or why they do the things they do. You should always allow for other's shortcomings. In this life, if you remember anything at all that I tell you, remember to be kind and tolerant. You are not the only human being that deserves love. Everyone does.

Never make rash decisions when you are feeling emotional. When sadness, anger or guilt get the best of you, talk to someone. Talk to me or your dad, a friend or any adult you trust. We are all here for you and I promise that talking about the problem will help more than any quick, thoughtless decision you could've made.

I pray that you always remember how much you are cared for. There will never be anything in this world you can do that would make me or your daddy stop loving you. I know there will be times when you think you hate us, but we are only doing the things we do out of love for you. Because we are protecting you and want the absolute best for you. We will never intentionally hurt you. All of our decisions come with your best interest in mind. 

Remember to work hard for what you want. Never expect things to come easy, or to be handed to you. Do your very best to understand that good things can come out of a struggle, and that there will be times when you DO have to struggle. It is not a punishment, but a part of learning responsibility and work ethic. You will find that the harder you work the more it will pay off, and that any battle you fight to better yourself and your goals will always be worth it.

Never take anything for granted. People, places, privileges, finances, moments, all of it. Take none of it as if you will get it again tomorrow. It can be taken away as quick as it was given. Live every second like it's your last and cherish anything and everything possible. It will make you a better, more diligent person. 

I want you to see the best in people. I know when someone does you wrong or mistreats you, all you will see is the negative. It is a difficult task to overcome adversity and still manage to see the light. But try. Being positive and seeing the good in a person or bad situation will mold and shape you into a more honorable human being. It will do wonders for your growth, and prepare you for adulthood. 

Be honest. The truth is sometimes hard to say, and can often be brutal at times, but never lie to hide it. Be kind, but say what is on your mind. Never be afraid to speak opinions or be realistic. The only person you ever have to answer for is yourself, and as long as you are honest with yourself and others, that will never be a battle you have to fight. 

Don't have regrets. There will be decisions that you make in your life that you aren't always sure of, and you may second guess yourself a lot - but never let those guesses become regrets. Everything you do and don't do will have pros and cons, and it is part of life and human nature to wonder what would have happened had you done things differently. But no matter what, those choices made you who you are, and you should never regret them. At some point, the decisions you make will be exactly what you want and although they may not always give you the results you had planned on, it's going to be ok because life is what happens while you were busy making those plans.

Please hold onto your dreams. Strive to hit goals and do all the things you want do. Never allow others to put damper on shootings for the stars. Remember that you are smart and strong and that you can do or be anything with the right mind set. Stay ambitious, stay motivated and stay focused. You can do anything your little heart desires.

Trust your instincts. If something feels like it's wrong it probably is. As you get older you will learn more and more about the phrase, "go with your gut." You know better than anyone what is right and wrong for you. You don't have to do anything that you don't feel good about and if your friends are really your friends, they will understand that. Some of the most difficult decisions you will ever make will face you during youth. It will be tough to make good choices, and not follow the crowd. But just remember that you are not any less of a person should you choose to walk away. Keep a good head on your shoulders and trusting your instincts will always be simple.

You're going to make mistakes throughout life. They happen, and you shouldn't be ashamed. Everyone messes up, it's how we choose to fix them and move on that really matters. Mistakes give you character. They give you experience, and experience is a hard teacher to learn from. It gives you the test first and the lesson later. Be prepared. Just because you make a mistake doesn't mean you have failed or that life is over. It just means you are human. It is ok to be human. :)  

What I want you to know most is that I would do anything for you. I love you and will always portect you. I would give you the world if I only could. You are my child, my flesh and blood. I would die for you. I want you to know that I write these words because I want your life to be amazing. To let you know that you are never alone in all these things. I make time to write these things because you deserve it. You deserve to know how much love I feel for you everyday. I will always be proud of you. Please take these words and keep them close, no matter where you go. Keep them as close as I keep all of our wonderful memories together.

I love you little boy, and all your future siblings. You are all the best thing that could ever happen to me and I haven't even met some of you yet. :)

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Working a double: For the not so stay at home Mom

There have been a lot of blog posts about women who stay at home to mother their children. In fact, I read a very good one just a few days ago about a man who says he can't afford for his wife to stay at home because of all the things she does as a SAHM that naturally, go unpaid. It is most definitely a great read, and it gave me an idea for this post. An idea to do things a little different.

I want to write for the working Mothers. I am currently a stay at home Mom, and have been since my son was born. My wonderful husband has given me the luxury of seeing him grow and change everyday and it has been a great experience for me and for my little boy, who is now almost fifteen months old. But this year, I began pursuing my PHD and was hired at a new job, all the while somehow continuing to take care of my daily SAHM duties. It is HARD. I have been given a pretty clear little glimpse of what it is like for the working Mother, and I want to write for her. 

It takes a wonderful, strong, and selfless woman to be a working Mother. To get up every morning and go to a job when you have a child you really, honestly don't want to leave takes a Mother who is always willing to do what is best for her family. I know that there are some women out there who don't mind going to work and leaving their children and that is perfectly ok, too. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your time apart. Everyone needs that break. But, regardless, I want all working Mothers out there to know how appreciated and admired you are, and how much I think this world takes you for granted, and that is what this is about. 

As a SAHM, I feel like I work non-stop. I feel as if I clocked in the day my son was born and that I'll never clock out, and that's the truth. That is reality, because no matter what, he will always be my baby. I will always be on the clock to care for him, no questions asked. A working Mother is no different. She takes care of her child all night, then gets up, pulls herself together to look presentable and gets everyone cleaned up and out the door to where they need to be on time. She then works all day to provide for her family. When her time there is finished, she clocks out - and immediately clocks into her next job without a single moment wasted... Mom. She never clocks out. She is constantly working to do and be the best she can for whoever expects it of her. And a lot of people expect it of her. Being at a job and under pressure constantly is a lot to take on while you have a child at home who also has needs. It is a long, never ending to-do list, and juggling a life that requires both a career and children can be frustrating but at the same time so rewarding.

After having given up her entire day to bring home a paycheck that sometimes doesn't seem worth it, a working Mother swaps her hat and picks up her child as if she never really left. She is a multitasker and a good one, at that. She is able to totally change her focus to what is most important to her, her baby. That tiny, sweet piece of perfection that makes even the worst days seem not so bad. Even with a job, still being able to come home and cook dinner and get all the laundry done is an accomplishment. I stay at home and there are days when I just cannot bring myself to cook a meal for my husband and son, and we end up in the drive thru at the closest fast food restaurant. So, with that being said, I applaud any Mother who can leave her job and come home totally prepared to start a hot meal for her family. 

I think highly of a working Mother for many reasons. Whether she wants to be at her job or not, she is brave and smart, and doing all the right things for her family. She makes sacrifices each day that majority of the time go unnoticed, but here and now I want these Mothers to know that I notice. I see it. I know how hard it must be to be away from your children 5-7 days a week, and I think you have to have a pretty bad ass level of strength and confidence to do what you do. You put your child's needs first, and that makes an unbelievably good and successful Mom.

I have a lot of friends who are working Mothers, and I hear their situations, scenarios, and sometimes pleas for a life of just being able to be with their child everyday. For whatever reason, they are unable to do it, and it breaks my heart to know that not everyone has the SAHM opportunity available to them, because it really is a life changing experience and I think every Mom should be able to have the chance to do it at some point during Motherhood. 

I am blessed to know some intelligent, compassionate and professional working Moms who deserve to be acknowledge and told they are appreciated for what they do. Their children are going to be so bright and so thankful for having such amazing role models who showed them that a great work ethic and reliability are qualities to be thankful for. SAHM's please don't think that I am leaving your hard work out because I am one myself, as I said before. We work just as hard everyday, we just don't get a paycheck. ;)

So, you can't afford for your wife to be a stay at home Mother, eh? Well, you can't afford for her to work, either. She drives to work, is there all day doing what she needs to do to get that paycheck, drives home, washes clothes, cooks, cleans, takes the trash out, bathes the kids, gets them in bed and then before ever thinking about going to bed and passing out for the night, asks her husband if there is anything else she needs to take care of before morning. That is who she is - always putting others before herself. She is both an at home Mom and a working Mom, and her job is just as difficult. Take her out for a date night, slip  a massage gift certificate into the seat of her car, or just simply tell her how APPRECIATED what she does is. Tell her that her hard work and love for her child is the most beautiful thing you've had the pleasure of witnessing everyday and that you wouldn't make it without her constant efforts. She deserves to know how important she is. 

Sometimes words mean more than gifts, and maybe before she switches shifts tonight, you could find the time to say a few. After all, it wouldn't be normal if her 15 minute break included silence. ;) 

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Momma, you're doing it right.

When the house is a mess and you haven't had time to collect all the toys and their missing pieces, but you decide to just say screw it and watch LMN because the kid is finally asleep, you're doing it right.

Buying a DVD player for your backseat and driving somewhere in peace thinking, "that little electronic screen flashing pictures is the best damn thing since sliced bread." Quiet, occupied children mean you've done it all right. 

Expecting visitors for the weekend and trying to get everything that requires any sort of sound to be made done prior to putting your kid to sleep, and realizing after all is said and done that you forgot to vacuum. *facepalm* You'll be getting up a early anyway, and it'll get done. You're doing it right.

When you finally get to go shopping for yourself but all you come home with are new outfits for your little one(s), you're doing it right.

For the working momma - It's Monday and work is consuming you. Swamped and stressed, you catch yourself on Facebook envying anyone who is getting to spend time with their small children on a weekday. You are tired and it would be so much easier if you could just be home. But you are doing what is best for you and your family, even when it means doing what you really don't want to do. You are strong and your children will look up to you and thank you everyday for that. You're doing what you do out of pure love and selflessness, and even though it is hard to drop them off and go every morning, you're doing it right.

For the stay at home momma - You are sick and tired of seeing those walls. Tired of the same routine. Tired of cleaning and tired of a whiney kid pulling at your leg 24/7. You catch yourself wishing that you were at a job, any job, getting any sort of break that doesn't involve motherly decisions and instincts for even five seconds. You feel guilty for even thinking it. You are doing it out of love, to see your children grow everyday, and just because you don't clock in every morning, doesn't mean you don't work. You have one of the hardest jobs in the world, and you're doing it right. 

On sleepless nights when they are crying non-stop, wanting to be comforted by only you, and you sacrifice those few hours of sleep you were going to get just so you can hold them until they pass back out, you're doing it right.

Picture day is always hell. Not enough time for this, unprepared for that, wasn't planning on this, and sure as hell didn't think about that. Then the pictures finally come all edited and pretty and there's always somehow one decent one. You're doing it right. 

Those frustrating days when every whine, mishap, or tear forces you to simply walk outside and ignore it for a few minutes to gather your sanity. Even though you may not think, you are doing it right.

When you are so unbelievably protective of such a tiny human being that it scares the living shit out of you everyday, guess what? You're doing it right.

When certain friendships become distant and hard to maintain, because your life now revolves around that tiny human being, it makes it difficult to explain, but you're still doing it right.

After you have done all you can and they still aren't happy, you tell them you love them and quietly shut the door. It's harder than anything to walk away, but they're now exhausted and asleep. You're doing it right. 

On those days when you have worried yourself to death over whether or not the person you left your child with is doing all the right things, or if they miss you so much they won't behave for them. They will be ok, and you are doing it right. 

When you've been so busy with pediatricians, a sleep schedule, go-sees, play dates, and juggling life, that your hair stylist calls because you've missed your last two color/cut appointments. And even though you know and she knows your hair looks like total shit and you probably won't be available anytime soon, the two of you reschedule anyway. Yeah, you're doing it right. 

That night when the laundry has piled up into the highest mountain it's ever been in, and you sacrifice stopping to get detergent on your way home because you had a cranky baby in the back that you just wanted out of his/her damn car seat. You're doing it right. 

That awkward moment when you've seen the ABC Mouse commercial so many times you start to wonder where the hell it was when you were failing elementary math. You've probably been inside too long, catering to a boss who is 32 inches tall, and cabin fever has destroyed your brain. You're going to recover, because you're doing it right. 

When the grocery store is on your to-do list but never actually gets done, amongst many other things, and you're in line at Chickfila for the third night in a row getting a kids four count nugget meal, yes, you're still doing it right. 

If every time you open your vehicle door, tiny toys come pouring out onto the pavement, you're doing it right.

And if you've ever been cleaning out your vehicle and found a dirty diaper from God only knows when, and you think to yourself, "it must be really bad that I didn't smell this in here." We all go nose blind as mommas, and you're doing it right. 

On those Saturday mornings when the kid is awake at 6 AM for some unknown reason, and all you want to do is stay in bed and turn off your monitor so you can pretend you are sixteen again with no responsibilities... you are normal. And yes, you're still doing it right. 

When your kid leaves the room and you realize you've been watching Nick Jr. For the last twenty minutes without them around, it's ok. You're doing it right. 

Laziness has completely taken over and you start buying Walmart brand cinnamon rolls to heat up in the morning so you don't have to cook your kid a breakfast that requires effort. Hey, if they don't throw it in the floor, you're doing it right. 

When nap time rolls around and you know you need to load the dishwasher, but all you can envision is the inside of your eyelids, go ahead, some things aren't worth more than your sanity, and they can wait. You're doing it right. 

When you swore up and down you wouldn't give your child heavy sugar for a snack, but frosted animal crackers are the only thing that will shut him/her up, you're not doing it the way you planned, but you're still doing it right. 

When your kid has been so attached to you that you forget what it's like to be alone with your husband, embrace it. It's almost like a first date ha! You're doing it right. :) 

If your back is aching from changing crib bedding because his/her diaper has leaked for the third time this week, and you finally start questioning the act of layering diapers at night. You're still sane, and you're doing it right. (Btw, it does work lmao) 

When you've questioned doing something obviously frowned upon with your child in tow. Ex: "I wonder if he/she can come in the liquor store with me to get wine?" Lmao, you're probably just tired, and you're doing it right. 

Those Friday nights when you long to go out and see that new movie you've been hearing so much about but you don't have a babysitter, or you're still struggling with trusting someone enough, so you turn on Netflix for the fifth night in a row, pop some corn, and hope to God the spawn doesn't hear. That new movie will be on DVD in a few weeks, and you're doing it right.

You find yourself lonely or bored on more than one occasion, and craving adult conversation, but you feel guilty for wanting to do anything but spend those precious moments all with your baby. We all need a break. It's logical, it's understandable and it's doing things right. 

The days when you are sick with what feels like death and you can hardly move from the horrible body ache, but you somehow manage to pry yourself up off the couch and entertain a needy, clingy kid, you're slow and lethargic, but still doing it right.

When you passively insult your husband through your child. Ex: "Daddy is just a pain in the ass today, isn't he?" It's a mom thing, and we can get away with. You're doing it right.

The day your child discovers standing up in the shopping cart and you almost feel like calling cooperate because there's no shopping carts with straps that actually fit around your child's waist or aren't f*cking broken. You totally have an incentive to lose your shit, and you're losing it right.

When the thought of knocking yourself out with a meat cleaver comes to mind because the, "Do the Chucky!" dance commercial is on for the eighth time in the half hour, I feel ya, and you're doing it right. 

Running to the store with who knows what all over your tshirt, smelling like baby formula, barf, or a dirty diaper, but feeling like a million because you've managed to be super Mom. You own that shit. You're doing it right. 

Having AT LEAST one or two people everywhere you go tell you how cute your kid(s) is/are and leaving wondering if you should look into baby modeling. Your genetics made a looker, you couldn't help it. You just did it right. ;)

You've been so angry that your child won't listen, or that they've tested your patience all day long, and then they look up at you with the cutest smile you've ever seen and you forget they're punishment entirely. You're a softy, and you're doing it right. 

When sticky handprints on the window or marker on the wall become regular works of art around the house, don't feel embarrassed or obligated to clean. You, Piccaso's mother, are in good company. and you're doing it right.

And even during the roughest times when you have cried yourself to sleep from feeling like a failure, or like you haven't done the best thing, or when everyone else is telling you you're doing it wrong. You've got the upper hand. You're that babys momma, ONLY YOU. And guess what? You're gonna make it, because you're doing it right. :)

 

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My someday Daughter-in-Law: what I won't do for you.

Someday, you and my son will meet and fall in love. You are going to be young and unsure and probably a little stupid lol. I mean that in the best possible way. I am writing this to you because you are not yet around, and the sooner I write this to you, the better.

When my son's heart begins to tie all those little strings to yours, he will make the decision to let you deeper into his life. He will make himself vulnerable. But he will be giving me a wonderful gift by doing that, and this gift will last until my days on this earth are over. I will be meeting you for the very first time. When this happens, both our lives will change.

I never want you to feel like I am judging you because I will never cross those lines. I will never make you feel as if you have to be someone else in order to fit in with our family. You will always be welcome to be who you are. The fact that you are different is great. There will be so much that you can teach me by being who you are. Neither of us are perfect, and although we will have our contentions, you and I will never get past the point of no return. Because I will not be that type of mother to you. You have been molded and shaped by things in your past that have given you the qualities you now possess. I want you to teach me about who you are and why. Don't ever think that I don't want to know you. I do. I want to know the woman my son has given his whole heart to. I will always give you a chance.

A new home, the one you will move into with my little boy, will be an exciting time in your relationship. I will be here when you ask. I would love to help you. I would love to give you my opinions and my thoughts. One of my biggest passions is decorating, but I will not over step my bounds. You are your own individual, and I know you will have a beautiful eye. I want you to develop your sense of independence, so you can become the wife that doesn't always have to have a helping hand. And you may already be that person, even before you meet my son. But I want you to feel like you have the freedom to express yourself the way you see fit without me intervening. It is YOUR new home and I would love nothing more than to see you create it.

When my son asks you to marry him, and I know he will because he is going to fall madly in love with everything about you, just know that before this wedding planning process even begins, I am 110% supportive. I beg of you to never doubt that. Nothing about him marrying you will ever be a disappointment to me. Not that you should be THAT concerned with how I feel anyway. If the sweet little boy that I gave birth to has found a new reason for his heart to beat, and that reason is you, I will have a love for you that you can't even begin to understand. The happiness that you bestow upon his life will bring that much more to mine, because it means everything to me to see my son live a happy life. I am overwhelmed with joy that you are going to forever be a part of it. Although it will be difficult to see a new woman walk into his life, after he has been only mine for so very long, I will be ready to accept the change, and I will find comfort in knowing that the blessings in his life are only just beginning. I will have spent many years preparing myself for the moment when he tells me he has found his soul mate, and that he is going to pop the question. I will be ready, and I will be there for him. I will encourage him. I will give him the unconditional love that he will expect from his Mother.

Someday, my sweet daughter-in-law, if or when you become pregnant with my grandchild, life will be crazy. It will be exciting and scary and you will feel so out of your element. You will experience every emotion known to man. Your thoughts will go from, "I just want to hold this baby right now!" to, "How in the hell am I going to keep another human alive?!" I am going to be bursting with so much energy that I can hardly contain myself. From the moment the two of you share the news with me, I will be ready to buy the pink bows or the blue blankets. But I know you and my son will feel the same. All eyes will be on you, and the attention will be almost overwhelming. But I want that for the two of you. I want you to receive the oohs and ahhs. I want you to be showered with thankfulness and love for this new little life you will be bringing into our world. You should feel like you deserve all of it, like you are on cloud nine, and I want to assist with that feeling. I promise to put my applause and thrill on hold, so that the two of you can experience what it is like to enjoy your first pregnancy. Sometimes a little bit of silence can mean more than words. There will be shopping trips and baby showers and gender reveals. The stage will be yours, and I will be one truly happy audience.

You are a mom now. You will bring a piece of Heaven into this world and my son will fall in love all over again. You will give our family another legacy. Not only will my son's love for you be greater, but the moment they place that beautiful little baby in his arms, he will feel a kind of love that he has never felt before. This child is a part of him. He/she is a part of him, and a part of the woman that he so desperately admires. You, sweetie, will be tired. Your body will hurt and you will long for even a ten minute nap. You will ask your own mother for advice on how you should handle things. I will  tell you this, your mother is going to be your true guidance. She will know what to say and how to say it and she will help you the way she sees fit. She will do what is right for you and your child. Never will she direct you down the wrong path. Why isn't your newborn sleeping at all? Why is he/she screaming as if he/she is in pain? What do you do when the formula is causing his/her tummy to be upset? Your mother will give you her best known instruction. She will tell you things she did with you when you were a baby, things that helped not only you rest, but her, as well. She was able to get peace by doing these things, and by no means would she ever give you any guidance that would cause your little one harm. I will stand by her. I will second her opinion, understanding that she is your mother and that this is your child. You rely on her, and that is to be expected. I promise to never make you feel like what you are doing is a bad thing. I may not always agree with the choices you make, but I am going to stand beside you regardless, because I know what it is like to have people judge your every parental decision. I know what it is like to cry yourself to sleep just hoping and praying that everyone around you will just shut up and let you do your trial and error. After all, becoming a mom is a learning process that never really ends.

My beautiful DIL, your marriage may not always be perfect. Everyone falls short and makes mistakes. That is life. I will be here for you, no matter what. You can always count on me to love you and take care of you, just as if you were my own child. The feelings you have and the life you are living mean everything to me and I would never do anything to make you feel as if it doesn't. You are going to be the reason my son gets to experience a love like no other. You will show him what a woman really is. He will be so in awe at how strong you are when you become a mother. How even after four consecutive weeks of hardly any sleep, you are still able to get the house cleaned and dinner ready by 5:30. There will be times you turn to me for help, and there will be times you would rather not hear my input. That is OK. Never be ashamed of wanting space. Never feel any sort of guilt for not wanting my advice. You are my family, my friend, the mother of my grandchild, and first and foremost, the love of my little boy's life. We will understand each other, even when times get tough. That is what unconditional love is about. Sometimes I may think I'm right and you're wrong, but I make a promise to you that my pride will never be worth giving up the life I have with the family you have built with my child.

As I come to a close here, please know that I already have a debt I will make payments to everyday. A debt to you that I will always be polishing. To be the best possible second mother I can be. I will strive to be better each day and when I fall short, please give me the benefit of the doubt because I am trying. I didn't have the best mother-in-law, but she did teach me a lot. Everything I have written are things she unknowingly taught me. Even though I hold no ties to the woman, I also hold no grudges, because if she did anything at all for me in the short four years I got to know her, she taught me about everything I WILL NOT be for you.

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Dear Jaxon, your birth story memory.

Dear Jaxon,

First I'd like to say, you had some of the most amazing people involved in your medical care. I'm telling you, amazing. Your doctor was everything I could have hoped for in a doctor. A very soft spoken, witty, fun doctor. He had a great sense of humor and I loved that about him. He made me feel good when he told me he admired that I wasn't like most pregnant women who he saw. That I was there every appointment to get in and out, that I wasn't ever too worried about anything, and that I just went with the flow. That I trusted him. His PA, Kelly, was incredible. She is such a wonderful woman and I am thankful I met her when I did. She took great care of me at all my appointments. I will most definitely be seeing her again when we decide to give you a sweet brother or sister.

The second to last day of December, my OBGYN, Dr. Deiter, told me they would like me to go as far as I could in my pregnancy and delay induction because you were measuring small. I told every doctor and nurse I was further along than they thought, but no one would listen. I know when my husband and I conceived our son. I'm not an idiot. Jax, you felt huge to me... like I was carrying around two bowling balls everywhere I went. Sometimes it felt like you were so heavy you'd eventually just fall out with no pushing at all. Everyone I talked to said, "Oh, Molly, he'll be tiny because your belly is so small." I only gained 22 pounds, so then came the comments of, "I gained 60 with all of mine!" and "There is no way he could be that big of a baby if that's all the weight you've gained." I was sitting there thinking, "This stomach weighs a ton. This child will be at least 8 to 9 lbs. He is friggin' gigantic." My belly was stretched to a God awful limit and your ultrasounds had you measuring little, judging by what the techs said. I still thought that was so wrong. I was even told my fluid was too low at one point based on ultrasound measurements.

The doctor told me not to work myself into a frenzy but to go ahead and get our things prepared for the hospital. To do something that might take my mind off the fact that I "thought" I was going to be overdue. So I did just that. I went home, packed up all our things for the hospital and your daddy put the base and car seat in his truck. We went to the Dollar Tree and bought a bunch of crap we ended up not needing. Crossword puzzles, extra toothpaste, snacks, bath stuff, etc. Ha! Like we were going on a cruise or something.

We waited... and waited. Days went by and nothing happened. I was miserable with hip pain and heartburn the last few weeks. You weren't a morning sickness baby - but you were a "end of term" sickness baby. I barfed a few times in the days before you were born because of the terrible heartburn. I thought it would never go away. It kept me awake every single night. So did you dancing around in my ribs. I thought you were for sure going to be a mess I couldn't control once you got out!

You gave us two false alarms. The first time, it was sleeting and the roads were slick. I figured with my luck and you being a winter baby, that was going to happen. I thought I was having hardcore contractions. They were insanely close together and irritating as hell. I just knew my water was going to break at any second. We already had our things loaded in the truck so all we had to do was jump in and go. We arrived at the hospital around midnight on January 12th. The nurses hooked me up the monitors and got me all set up to be checked for dilation. I was still at a 1. I couldn't believe it. I stayed for another two hours to be monitored just in case and then they released me. I was disappointed and pissed off. I kept telling everyone I was overdue and to just go ahead and induce me. At this point, I was just sick of being pregnant.

The second time we had a false alarm, it was about 4 AM on January 20th. It was snowing like crazy and I thought we weren't going to be able to make it to the hospital. The roads were so thick with snow and it was so early that no one had used the roads yet. I was leaking some kind of fluid and thought my water broke. Yet again, I was so desperate to not be pregnant anymore I was willing to have them check again and see if I was in labor or at least close to it. When we got to the hospital, they knew who we were. Ha! They hooked me up to the monitors and I was having mild contractions but not enough to cause me to dilate further than a 2. I thought, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!" Yet again, we were sent home. That next week at my last doctors appointment, they set me up to be induced on February 2nd. All the nurses had bets on how much you would weigh. Some said 6 others said 7. Some even said you would be 5. I just laughed and said, "Keep dreaming ladies..."

The next week and a half went by SO SLOW. I was so ready to have you here with us. I couldn't wait to meet you and get my body back. I anticipated the day with everything I had. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I pictured what it was going to be like to see your adorable little face for the first time. It seems like the days went by slower and slower the more I thought about it. So I finally had to take my mind off of it with other things... even though there wasn't much I could do to NOT think about it.

Over Full-term and headed to the hospital!

On February 2nd, your daddy and I arrived at the hospital, Southwest Medical Center in OKC, around 11:00 PM. Yes, they decided they wanted to induce me at almost midnight. Yuck! I began my Pitocin and IV drip immediately and your daddy talked to me and watched TV for a few hours. We were both exhausted because we hadn't slept yet and the hospital room was so hot. We had the nurse come in a pull that sucker down to 60 degrees! I think the bed was worse than the contractions I started having. I could not get comfortable. I also hadn't eaten since about 5:30 that evening and I was starving. They wouldn't let me have anything to snack on until after you were born. Just that damn crushed ice that I wanted to shove up the nurses ass. My good nurse didn't arrive until the next morning. Your daddy got me whatever I wanted. He stayed awake with me when I was awake and got the nurses for me when I needed something. He never once questioned anything. He was just as ready to meet you as I was. Sometime around 3 AM, we both passed out. I didn't sleep very long because, yet again, the bed was a piece of shit. I woke up around 7:30 AM and had the nurse come check me and see how dilated I was. I had progressed to a 3 and she somehow made me a 4 when she checked me. Yeah, OUCH. About an hour later, the doctor came in and broke my water because it still hadn't yet. Over a pound of fluid poured out of me. So here was the first thing the tech was wrong about. Ha! He had so much fluid it was unreal. They said I had more than enough. It was crazy... and warm... and gross. But I didn't care.

All the family was out in the waiting room. I didn't allow anyone in the delivery room besides your daddy and the nurses/doctor. I wanted this to be our own experience as a family. By 11:00 AM I was fully dilated and ready to push. The doctor came in, along with about 10 trainee nurses. Yes, 10! I wasn't even asked if it was okay that they come in and watch, but at this point, I really just wanted to get you out of me. All the nurses stood and watched while I pushed. Your daddy stood beside me and comforted me through it all. There was no screaming and hollering or pitching a fit. I just pushed while we all talked about the Superbowl commercials. I kid you not, we just talked like my legs weren't spread wide open for the world to see. After about 15 minutes of pushing, you weren't really coming down as far as they needed you to. Dr. D asked if he could use  a special tool to help ease you out of the birth canal. I knew he meant the forceps. I was very uneasy about this, as I had just seen on the news a few weeks prior to this that there was an incident with a baby passing away from the improper usage of that tool by a doctor. I trusted my doctor, so I told him to do whatever made it easiest for him. In less than 5 minutes, he slowly pulled you out. They wiped you down and sucked out some of the gunk from your mouth and nostrils and laid you on my chest. You had this loud, blood curdling scream. I was instantly in love with you. You had so much hair when you were born! (Can't say much for you now...) Your daddy and I both stared at you. You opened your eyes and immediately stopped crying. It was like you knew exactly who we were. They took you and sat your on the scale for weight and measurement. You were a whopping 9 lbs, 5 oz and 22 inches. Another thing the tech was wrong about. I KNEW IT! I KNEW you'd be huge and no one believed me. The doctor even said he was sorry for not believing that I might be overdue. Ha! When your daddy went out to the waiting room to tell everyone we had our baby boy, they were in shock at how much you weighed. Everyone asked where I had put all of you while I was pregnant. They all thought you'd be tiny, too. I had you dressed and cleaned up, looking cute in no time. Your close still swallowed you, even though you were a man child. The family came in and held you, talked to you, and loved on you. Everyone was posting pictures on Facebook. I was exhausted, starving to death and hurting... but so, so happy. I am still so happy. Now, at almost 6 months old, you are our everything. You have added so much joy to our lives and we can't get enough of you and all you do. My sweet angel baby, Jaxon, I am proud to be your Mommy. Your father is proud to be your Daddy. Everyday we smile that much more because you're here with us. We will always give you the best and do what is right for you. We will always be here for you, no questions asked. There is nothing you could ever do that would make us not love you. Your daddy and I adore you. We couldn't ask for more. Moral of your birth story? Yes, your doctors and ultrasound techs CAN make mistakes. Those little pictures on that screen can tell you a lot, but they can also be wrong. Tell your sweet wife someday to always follow her motherly instinct. :) I knew you were a boy from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't wrong about that, either! :)

I guess I need to start antagonizing daddy about giving you a sibling! ;)

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