The reality of actually living and learning

I've learned that you can't expect people to respect your feelings. You have to do you, and be strong for yourself. You have to hope that you find people who truly care enough about you to love you, your opinions and all the corky things about you. Unconditional love. The kind that makes you feel good about who you are. Surround yourself with the friends who will fight for you, and be there for you when it's time to pick up the pieces of your brokenness. The people who won't judge you, who will wash dishes with you and come over to watch your kids while you finally take a shower. The friends who will drink wine with you until you piss yourself, and pick you up off the floor when you've had one too many. The ones who answer when you call, make you laugh until your gut hurts and always find time for you because you aren't some event to be worked in or scheduled. Those are the friends worth living for. Those are the ones you hold on to, and if you can find a few good ones in this lifetime, cherish them. It's rare.

I've watched people I thought were my friends turn into complete strangers. I've felt the dreaded end to a friendship coming, and it really is a dread. Who really wants to lose friends? But, even the closest of relationships can fade over time. Sometimes it's someone's fault, and sometimes it's not. Life can be funny. The world has a way of distancing us from people for a reason. Maybe it's time to go our separate ways. Maybe we have nothing in common anymore, and maybe your behavior and the way you treated our friendship has cost you. Either way, distance and change can be a good thing. Keep in mind that not everyone you lose is a loss. Loss is a word meant for something you didn't want to ever be without. Something you couldn't see yourself not having. But if this is a burden lifted, then loss is not the word. 

I've learned that true love really is a thing. It really exists. It may be hard to find these days, but it's still very much out there. Someone, somewhere, will actually love you in spite of the fact you thought it wasn't possible. There are people who can change everything you think you knew about trust, love, and passion. There is someone out there who is going to hear the bad you've done, and fall in love with you anyway. And they'll hear the good you've done, and love you that much more. This person is going to make everything you've ever gone through, worth it. And you'd do it all again if it meant you'd end up in their arms at night. You deserve to be with someone who knows what they have when they have you. Find that person, and when you do, never give up on them. Always fight for them because they are worth it. Love is worth it.

I've been taught that there is always hope, even when your heart is breaking. There is hope during sadness and sorrow. There is hope during anger and animosity. And we may not all have the same form or idea of what makes this hope so apparent, and so great, but we have it, and that's all that really matters. Because we need it. We all need our own kind of hope. We need hope. Without hope we would never find the strength to pick ourselves up and move on. We would never be able to stand up for ourselves. With no hope there would be no success, no calm after the storm. So even in the darkest of times, find your motivation, your safe haven. Hold onto it and keep it as handy as an iPhone. You are always, always going to need it. 

I've found that there is some sort of beauty in every experience. There is beauty in even the bad, and if you look hard enough, there's always a message to be heard. Sometimes experience can be a hard teacher, giving the test first and the lesson later. But regardless of how we learned it - the main thing is that we did, and we move forward channeling those lessons into the rest of our lives. Mistakes are what make us who we are, no matter how or why they arise. The trials face in our personal life, jobs, friendships, marriages, etc. are all learning experiences. To better us for all the continued curve balls this journey we call life throws at us.  

I've learned that I do deserve happiness. I do deserve all the wonderful things that I have. I deserve them even when I think that I don't. I deserve them when I've had a rough day with my children, and I deserve them when I feel like I'm on top of the world. I may not always be happy with myself, but that doesn't mean that is my destiny. It means it was a bad day, not a bad life. Everyone deserves to see their value. It may not always be that simple, but it's always worth trying for. 

I've discovered that the heart really is the body's strongest muscle. It's amazing the beat down it can take, and still somehow manage to continue working as perfect as it did in the very beginning. Through the overwhelming mountain of emotions this life can fling at us, the heart is strong. It's always strong, and it will surprise you with it's incredible ability to heal even when you believe the damage that has been done is permanent. And that's really all that needs to be said about that. 

Life has shown me the best and worst in people. It has shown me, unfortunately, that just because I love others, does not mean I will be loved and cared for in return. I have come to find that never expecting anything from anyone is the only way to not get hurt. It took me a very long time to figure out that we must learn to give because we want to be good to people. Not because of our intent to receive. We must not complicate things more than they should be complicated. If you're thinking of others for the right reasons, there will be all sorts of rewards to come, none of which may ever be from the recipients of your kindness. 

If life has taught me anything, it's that things are ever changing. We are always evolving as human beings, and working through new challenges. We will continue learning, and being taught new lessons. The neat thing about life is that everyday is a new day and a fresh start. We may not always go to bed on a good note, with others or with ourselves, but we can choose to wake up and make a change. We can use all we've been taught to benefit ourselves, and others, in a positive way. Always remember that when one door closes, another has opened elsewhere, and if for some reason there isn't another door, there's always a window. Take in the little things. Remember what you deserve. Don't settle. Smile. Spend time with the ones who make you feel alive. Work hard, but don't forget to relax. Time is precious. Friends are precious. Don't ever be afraid to use what you've learned through all the peaks and valleys. To do what is best for yourself and the ones you care about. Remember hope? We will always need it. Be who you are, love who you are, and allow yourself to be loved by others. Life happens. Let it. 

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To the woman who criticized the good marriage

I read something yesterday, Valentine's Day, and it was a very bitter post regarding happy marriages. It has really been eating at me, because it isn't the first time I've seen a post like that. I've always wanted to do this, and I'm feeling froggy today, so let's leap. 

I'm not going to apologize for having a happy marriage. I'm not going to tell you that I'm sorry because my husband and I get along well, and have a wonderful life together. If my Facebook posts and photos about the sweet things my husband does for me offend you, or make you uncomfortable, then you need to take your ass straight up to the delete button and remove me from your friends list. This may be news to you, but the great thing about social media is that there are a lot of options to NOT have to see what someone else posts. Unfollowing, unfriending, blocking, or just straight up scrolling on by. No one is forcing you to see how happy something or someone made me. You know what the only thing anyone sees in YOUR bitter little rant over couples displaying their love and happiness for each other is? Jealousy. We see jealousy, and it's a nasty thing. Take that shit somewhere else. I don't care about your jealousy anymore than you care about the beautiful necklace my husband gave me, or the awesome date night we had. Although, I'm stuck wondering why it had remotely any effect on your feelings, it doesn't make my relationship any less awesome.

I married my husband because he makes me a better person. He makes me laugh when I think I'll never smile again. He gave me two of the most beautiful babies in the world. When we said our vows to each other, we meant them. We don't just tolerate each other. No, we are NOT perfect. We don't have it all together all the time, (who does?!) but I think that is what makes our relationship so special. Because it works. We work as one to get our shit together, and it's the best. We are corky and goofy and we have the most fun when we are together. We both have other friends, but most of the time, being with each other is what we like. We are not wrong for wanting that. We're not weird or strange because we enjoy being married. This world is hard to live in most days, especially now, and at one point in my life I thought I would never feel what I feel with my husband. I felt alone, unattractive, depressed and mad at myself. I would look in the mirror and cringe when I saw my body. I would layer makeup because I felt like it was the only thing that could come close to hiding imperfection. And it took until I met the man I am married to realize that my imperfections are what make me who I am. He showed me that I don't need to always wear makeup to feel good. I don't have to have the skinniest or fittest body. He taught me that there are people willing to stand up for the ones they love no matter what it costs them. I am lucky, and I'm proud of it. I hear other people talk about their spouses in such a negative manner. It makes me sad because I don't know what I would do in a life like that. I don't belittle or begrudge anyone struggling in their marriage, and I feel like people shouldn't belittle or begrudge me because mine is happy. If it's a bad thing to see that people are happy and saying positive things about the people they care about, then this world has become even scarier than I thought. A marriage should be a positive place to be. Not something you dread going home to or try to avoid. I understand that there is not a lot of options for some once they are tied down and unhappy, but that's when your vows to each other come in. That's when the for better or worse trigger is pulled. You don't back away or become bitter when things are bad, you fight. You fight because you loved this person enough to offer up your entire life to them. That isn't something you turn away from. And if you are struggling, you need to know when to ask for help, or to seek it on your own. Me being satisfied and excited about my husband shouldn't take the blame for the bitterness and anger you feel in yours. 

My husband goes to work all week. Sometimes he's working in a shop that's 100 degrees in the summer and sometimes he's driving long hours to other states. He spends a lot of his time working. Some nights our kids go to bed and don't see him. Not because he doesn't want to be here, because I can assure you, he does. But because he is out busting his ass for his family. He wants us to have the best of the best. To be able to give us not just what we need, but luxuries when we want them, makes him proud. And that says a lot about him. He is always thinking of us first. I wash his holey work jeans and dirty, raggedy t-shirts weekly. And every single time I throw them in the hamper I sigh and think how fortunate myself and my children are to have such a hardworking man giving it all he's got everyday. When he is crawling out of bed at 4:30 in the morning when it's 20 degrees outside, to get some good overtime, I'm left laying in our warm bed in my pajamas wondering how he does it. Wondering what motivates him to do all that he does. Then I realize when he kisses me while I'm pretending to still be asleep. WE motivate him. Because we are his family. He loves us and it shows through in everything. And if I want to gloat and brag about how incredible he is, then you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to do it without shame, and without wondering about whether or not your butt hurts because you got a little offended or annoyed. My husband deserves the recognition. He deserves far more than I could ever give him. But you know what? We are enough for each other. We still want, and we still wish. But we know that we are enough, regardless of those wants and wishes. We always say that as long as we have each other, we can get through anything. I believe that wholeheartedly. I believe that with him I can do anything I set my mind to. He supports me, no matter what it is. He loves me for me. I am a bipolar wreck most days. I don't know how I feel 99% of the time. My emotions bounce around like a damn ping-pong ball and my anxiety can be overwhelming. There are times, more often than not, I can't tell you which way is up. I'm always hungry, and I'm always bitching about something when I'm hungry. I can be way too talkative and the next day be a complete hermit and want you to leave me the hell alone. But my husband takes care of me. He learned all my habits and adjusted to suit me. He didn't try to change me. He understands that I have two babies at home with no relief. He understands that I may not always feel like dressing up and going out on the weekend. He reassures me that I do, when I say things like, "I don't think I deserve happiness sometimes." He knows that I'm tired and he acknowledges all that I do so I never feel like it's all for nothing.

The post that I read said something negative about not wanting to see posts from the couples who have "the perfect life and marriage." What makes you think our marriage is perfect? What makes you think our life is perfect? Just because we are grateful and appreciative of each other doesn't mean we are flawless. We disagree, but we find a solution. We have heated arguments, but we still RESPECT each other, no matter how the contention ends. And when all is said and done, we don't air out our dirty laundry to every person we know. Our marriage is OURS. Not the worlds. We work through things as a couple. Not as a couple, plus 500 of our friends and neighbors. You could ask anyone anything about my husband and I, and they will tell you what they know. Which is that we are happy - and that is all they need to know, because we are. We love each other through the good, the bad and the ugly. We love each other through huge piles of laundry, annoying sing-along toys, and dirty diaper changes. We are stronger because of the losses we've endured, and all the unexpected bumps and sharp turns in the road. So, if my admiration for this hardworking, selfless and kind hearted man that I'm spending my life with makes you hate me and all that I'm about, then it's not me who needs to redefine myself, my relationships or my marriage. It's you. 

Do not ever feel ashamed for being in a truly great relationship, and never let someone make you feel like you are doing the wrong thing by showing the world all of the amazing things about it. It's really a shame that jealousy has become so common and accepted, that we feel like we have to point out another human being having something to treasure is wrong. We are always telling our children to hold out for the right person, and to seek truth and love in the relationships they choose. We tell our daughters to never settle for less than they deserve and we have talks with our sons about how important treating women with respect is. How can we expect them to feel like these are the right things when we are shamed for being thankful for them? 

Stop being bitter. Stop criticizing because everyone isn't exactly like you. Stop expecting others to be miserable because you are. Learn to love and be loved. Learn to seek happiness, and if you can't find it where you are, make a change. Trying to bring others down is sending because you're down is in no way a good message, and that burden is on no one but you. 

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For the girl who goes out of her way

To the girl who feels like she is never enough for anyone. Who feels like nothing she does will ever measure up. Like she is competing against the inevitable... With friends, relationships, friendships, etc. You are good enough. You do measure up. You're your own person, and you deserve to feel like you are cherished and cared about. Being a giver is a trait you must learn to use wisely. Everything that you do may not always be acknowledged, and gratitude may never be shown, but know that there are still people in this world who are not cruel. People who understand you and your heart, and love you for being such a kind person. Do not beat yourself up because someone played with your emotions. Users are the losers here. Some people feel entitled to things, and that is not your problem. That is on them. Some people were raised to care about nothing but themselves. Always remember the people who treat you fairly. Remember the people who ask how you are doing when they haven't heard from you in a while. The people who are never, "too busy." 

Unfortunately, with all of the self-centered individuals in this world, always thinking of the people you care about can set you up to be destroyed inside. Because they don't always care in return. You're going to feel taken advantage of, but never stop being the thinker. Never stop being the giver. Never stop being the person who goes out of her way. Don't try and change who you are because of the negativity in others. And don't feel like you are wrong or odd for being thoughtful. Some people are just miserable with themselves and don't notice the hurt they cause others. Some people get off on leaving people out. Some people somehow see beauty in their arrogance. Unfortunately, little do they know, it is an awful trait to have. Your beauty immediately fades when you treat the people who have shown you they care like dirt. But to this girl, who is struggling. I will remind you time and time again, there is NOTHING you can do to change someone who doesn't see an issue with their actions. Stay true to you. Love yourself and you will be amazed at the toxicity you stop tolerating. The disappointing thing about this world is that thoughtful people always get hurt first, and the most. We are constantly being walked on, because we are willing to take a consecutive beating for the ones we love. We are always the second choice - the sacrifice. We are always the call that is made when someone else can't come. We're always a sub-in, or some sort of benefit to get something else. We don't ever get the apology, we're always giving it. Even when we were not responsible for the problem. Because, yet again, we care deeply. We would rather apologize for something we didn't do than lose our friendship/relationship. We are the person who wants to help you even though we know you wouldn't do the same for us. But guess what, we're still going to do it because we have a heart like no other. Yes, we too make mistakes. But we know how to own up to it. We understand that it's ok to admit when we are wrong and we aren't ashamed of it. The neat thing about being the giver, the thinker and the one who is always trying is that our mistakes have made us who we are. We were built on figuring out where we strayed from the path and how negativity effected us. So, mark

my words when I say that we are strong. Don't ever try to break the girl who gave it her all because she is going to surprise you every single time. We don't break - we bend. And when we are forced to bend, we mold ourselves into who we need to be to overcome the obstacle. 

Never settle for less than you deserve, but never stop loving and showing compassion in spite of what you've been through. You are who you are for a lot of reasons, and even though you may not always feel appreciated, you are. You are appreciated by all of the others just like you. You are wanted and cared about. You have a heart of gold, and it is rare. When you are constantly doing for others it can be hard to remember that you also need to take care of yourself. Don't forget that you need to love yourself, too. You deserve the same kindness you show to others. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't worth it. Your value is not determined by anyone else. You decide what you are worth, and what you are worth is not the sub-in, or the second choice. Your worth is not the last call on the list. Your worth is not being used or taken advantage of. Your worth is the originality you put into things. It's your kindness and your want to do for others. Your worth is everything. So remember this when you feel like you aren't good enough. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing, exactly where you are meant to be. The road may not always be a busy one. Loyalty, love and compassion for others is sadly a lonely path to walk these days. But find it in your heart to keep walking, even when you want to drop to your knees and quit because you're so tired of fighting for what feels like nothing anymore. The destination is worth it, and you will find that in the end, you were worth holding on to. You were worth the friendship. The relationship. The partnership. It was those that neglecting to see you that no longer have value. And when they finally realize this, that is when you absolutely, and utterly turn your back and walk away. That is when you are still doing the kind thing, the thoughtful, the right thing. Because you're finally doing it for yourself.

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