The reality of actually living and learning

I've learned that you can't expect people to respect your feelings. You have to do you, and be strong for yourself. You have to hope that you find people who truly care enough about you to love you, your opinions and all the corky things about you. Unconditional love. The kind that makes you feel good about who you are. Surround yourself with the friends who will fight for you, and be there for you when it's time to pick up the pieces of your brokenness. The people who won't judge you, who will wash dishes with you and come over to watch your kids while you finally take a shower. The friends who will drink wine with you until you piss yourself, and pick you up off the floor when you've had one too many. The ones who answer when you call, make you laugh until your gut hurts and always find time for you because you aren't some event to be worked in or scheduled. Those are the friends worth living for. Those are the ones you hold on to, and if you can find a few good ones in this lifetime, cherish them. It's rare.

I've watched people I thought were my friends turn into complete strangers. I've felt the dreaded end to a friendship coming, and it really is a dread. Who really wants to lose friends? But, even the closest of relationships can fade over time. Sometimes it's someone's fault, and sometimes it's not. Life can be funny. The world has a way of distancing us from people for a reason. Maybe it's time to go our separate ways. Maybe we have nothing in common anymore, and maybe your behavior and the way you treated our friendship has cost you. Either way, distance and change can be a good thing. Keep in mind that not everyone you lose is a loss. Loss is a word meant for something you didn't want to ever be without. Something you couldn't see yourself not having. But if this is a burden lifted, then loss is not the word. 

I've learned that true love really is a thing. It really exists. It may be hard to find these days, but it's still very much out there. Someone, somewhere, will actually love you in spite of the fact you thought it wasn't possible. There are people who can change everything you think you knew about trust, love, and passion. There is someone out there who is going to hear the bad you've done, and fall in love with you anyway. And they'll hear the good you've done, and love you that much more. This person is going to make everything you've ever gone through, worth it. And you'd do it all again if it meant you'd end up in their arms at night. You deserve to be with someone who knows what they have when they have you. Find that person, and when you do, never give up on them. Always fight for them because they are worth it. Love is worth it.

I've been taught that there is always hope, even when your heart is breaking. There is hope during sadness and sorrow. There is hope during anger and animosity. And we may not all have the same form or idea of what makes this hope so apparent, and so great, but we have it, and that's all that really matters. Because we need it. We all need our own kind of hope. We need hope. Without hope we would never find the strength to pick ourselves up and move on. We would never be able to stand up for ourselves. With no hope there would be no success, no calm after the storm. So even in the darkest of times, find your motivation, your safe haven. Hold onto it and keep it as handy as an iPhone. You are always, always going to need it. 

I've found that there is some sort of beauty in every experience. There is beauty in even the bad, and if you look hard enough, there's always a message to be heard. Sometimes experience can be a hard teacher, giving the test first and the lesson later. But regardless of how we learned it - the main thing is that we did, and we move forward channeling those lessons into the rest of our lives. Mistakes are what make us who we are, no matter how or why they arise. The trials face in our personal life, jobs, friendships, marriages, etc. are all learning experiences. To better us for all the continued curve balls this journey we call life throws at us.  

I've learned that I do deserve happiness. I do deserve all the wonderful things that I have. I deserve them even when I think that I don't. I deserve them when I've had a rough day with my children, and I deserve them when I feel like I'm on top of the world. I may not always be happy with myself, but that doesn't mean that is my destiny. It means it was a bad day, not a bad life. Everyone deserves to see their value. It may not always be that simple, but it's always worth trying for. 

I've discovered that the heart really is the body's strongest muscle. It's amazing the beat down it can take, and still somehow manage to continue working as perfect as it did in the very beginning. Through the overwhelming mountain of emotions this life can fling at us, the heart is strong. It's always strong, and it will surprise you with it's incredible ability to heal even when you believe the damage that has been done is permanent. And that's really all that needs to be said about that. 

Life has shown me the best and worst in people. It has shown me, unfortunately, that just because I love others, does not mean I will be loved and cared for in return. I have come to find that never expecting anything from anyone is the only way to not get hurt. It took me a very long time to figure out that we must learn to give because we want to be good to people. Not because of our intent to receive. We must not complicate things more than they should be complicated. If you're thinking of others for the right reasons, there will be all sorts of rewards to come, none of which may ever be from the recipients of your kindness. 

If life has taught me anything, it's that things are ever changing. We are always evolving as human beings, and working through new challenges. We will continue learning, and being taught new lessons. The neat thing about life is that everyday is a new day and a fresh start. We may not always go to bed on a good note, with others or with ourselves, but we can choose to wake up and make a change. We can use all we've been taught to benefit ourselves, and others, in a positive way. Always remember that when one door closes, another has opened elsewhere, and if for some reason there isn't another door, there's always a window. Take in the little things. Remember what you deserve. Don't settle. Smile. Spend time with the ones who make you feel alive. Work hard, but don't forget to relax. Time is precious. Friends are precious. Don't ever be afraid to use what you've learned through all the peaks and valleys. To do what is best for yourself and the ones you care about. Remember hope? We will always need it. Be who you are, love who you are, and allow yourself to be loved by others. Life happens. Let it. 

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To the woman who criticized the good marriage

I read something yesterday, Valentine's Day, and it was a very bitter post regarding happy marriages. It has really been eating at me, because it isn't the first time I've seen a post like that. I've always wanted to do this, and I'm feeling froggy today, so let's leap. 

I'm not going to apologize for having a happy marriage. I'm not going to tell you that I'm sorry because my husband and I get along well, and have a wonderful life together. If my Facebook posts and photos about the sweet things my husband does for me offend you, or make you uncomfortable, then you need to take your ass straight up to the delete button and remove me from your friends list. This may be news to you, but the great thing about social media is that there are a lot of options to NOT have to see what someone else posts. Unfollowing, unfriending, blocking, or just straight up scrolling on by. No one is forcing you to see how happy something or someone made me. You know what the only thing anyone sees in YOUR bitter little rant over couples displaying their love and happiness for each other is? Jealousy. We see jealousy, and it's a nasty thing. Take that shit somewhere else. I don't care about your jealousy anymore than you care about the beautiful necklace my husband gave me, or the awesome date night we had. Although, I'm stuck wondering why it had remotely any effect on your feelings, it doesn't make my relationship any less awesome.

I married my husband because he makes me a better person. He makes me laugh when I think I'll never smile again. He gave me two of the most beautiful babies in the world. When we said our vows to each other, we meant them. We don't just tolerate each other. No, we are NOT perfect. We don't have it all together all the time, (who does?!) but I think that is what makes our relationship so special. Because it works. We work as one to get our shit together, and it's the best. We are corky and goofy and we have the most fun when we are together. We both have other friends, but most of the time, being with each other is what we like. We are not wrong for wanting that. We're not weird or strange because we enjoy being married. This world is hard to live in most days, especially now, and at one point in my life I thought I would never feel what I feel with my husband. I felt alone, unattractive, depressed and mad at myself. I would look in the mirror and cringe when I saw my body. I would layer makeup because I felt like it was the only thing that could come close to hiding imperfection. And it took until I met the man I am married to realize that my imperfections are what make me who I am. He showed me that I don't need to always wear makeup to feel good. I don't have to have the skinniest or fittest body. He taught me that there are people willing to stand up for the ones they love no matter what it costs them. I am lucky, and I'm proud of it. I hear other people talk about their spouses in such a negative manner. It makes me sad because I don't know what I would do in a life like that. I don't belittle or begrudge anyone struggling in their marriage, and I feel like people shouldn't belittle or begrudge me because mine is happy. If it's a bad thing to see that people are happy and saying positive things about the people they care about, then this world has become even scarier than I thought. A marriage should be a positive place to be. Not something you dread going home to or try to avoid. I understand that there is not a lot of options for some once they are tied down and unhappy, but that's when your vows to each other come in. That's when the for better or worse trigger is pulled. You don't back away or become bitter when things are bad, you fight. You fight because you loved this person enough to offer up your entire life to them. That isn't something you turn away from. And if you are struggling, you need to know when to ask for help, or to seek it on your own. Me being satisfied and excited about my husband shouldn't take the blame for the bitterness and anger you feel in yours. 

My husband goes to work all week. Sometimes he's working in a shop that's 100 degrees in the summer and sometimes he's driving long hours to other states. He spends a lot of his time working. Some nights our kids go to bed and don't see him. Not because he doesn't want to be here, because I can assure you, he does. But because he is out busting his ass for his family. He wants us to have the best of the best. To be able to give us not just what we need, but luxuries when we want them, makes him proud. And that says a lot about him. He is always thinking of us first. I wash his holey work jeans and dirty, raggedy t-shirts weekly. And every single time I throw them in the hamper I sigh and think how fortunate myself and my children are to have such a hardworking man giving it all he's got everyday. When he is crawling out of bed at 4:30 in the morning when it's 20 degrees outside, to get some good overtime, I'm left laying in our warm bed in my pajamas wondering how he does it. Wondering what motivates him to do all that he does. Then I realize when he kisses me while I'm pretending to still be asleep. WE motivate him. Because we are his family. He loves us and it shows through in everything. And if I want to gloat and brag about how incredible he is, then you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to do it without shame, and without wondering about whether or not your butt hurts because you got a little offended or annoyed. My husband deserves the recognition. He deserves far more than I could ever give him. But you know what? We are enough for each other. We still want, and we still wish. But we know that we are enough, regardless of those wants and wishes. We always say that as long as we have each other, we can get through anything. I believe that wholeheartedly. I believe that with him I can do anything I set my mind to. He supports me, no matter what it is. He loves me for me. I am a bipolar wreck most days. I don't know how I feel 99% of the time. My emotions bounce around like a damn ping-pong ball and my anxiety can be overwhelming. There are times, more often than not, I can't tell you which way is up. I'm always hungry, and I'm always bitching about something when I'm hungry. I can be way too talkative and the next day be a complete hermit and want you to leave me the hell alone. But my husband takes care of me. He learned all my habits and adjusted to suit me. He didn't try to change me. He understands that I have two babies at home with no relief. He understands that I may not always feel like dressing up and going out on the weekend. He reassures me that I do, when I say things like, "I don't think I deserve happiness sometimes." He knows that I'm tired and he acknowledges all that I do so I never feel like it's all for nothing.

The post that I read said something negative about not wanting to see posts from the couples who have "the perfect life and marriage." What makes you think our marriage is perfect? What makes you think our life is perfect? Just because we are grateful and appreciative of each other doesn't mean we are flawless. We disagree, but we find a solution. We have heated arguments, but we still RESPECT each other, no matter how the contention ends. And when all is said and done, we don't air out our dirty laundry to every person we know. Our marriage is OURS. Not the worlds. We work through things as a couple. Not as a couple, plus 500 of our friends and neighbors. You could ask anyone anything about my husband and I, and they will tell you what they know. Which is that we are happy - and that is all they need to know, because we are. We love each other through the good, the bad and the ugly. We love each other through huge piles of laundry, annoying sing-along toys, and dirty diaper changes. We are stronger because of the losses we've endured, and all the unexpected bumps and sharp turns in the road. So, if my admiration for this hardworking, selfless and kind hearted man that I'm spending my life with makes you hate me and all that I'm about, then it's not me who needs to redefine myself, my relationships or my marriage. It's you. 

Do not ever feel ashamed for being in a truly great relationship, and never let someone make you feel like you are doing the wrong thing by showing the world all of the amazing things about it. It's really a shame that jealousy has become so common and accepted, that we feel like we have to point out another human being having something to treasure is wrong. We are always telling our children to hold out for the right person, and to seek truth and love in the relationships they choose. We tell our daughters to never settle for less than they deserve and we have talks with our sons about how important treating women with respect is. How can we expect them to feel like these are the right things when we are shamed for being thankful for them? 

Stop being bitter. Stop criticizing because everyone isn't exactly like you. Stop expecting others to be miserable because you are. Learn to love and be loved. Learn to seek happiness, and if you can't find it where you are, make a change. Trying to bring others down is sending because you're down is in no way a good message, and that burden is on no one but you. 

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For the girl who goes out of her way

To the girl who feels like she is never enough for anyone. Who feels like nothing she does will ever measure up. Like she is competing against the inevitable... With friends, relationships, friendships, etc. You are good enough. You do measure up. You're your own person, and you deserve to feel like you are cherished and cared about. Being a giver is a trait you must learn to use wisely. Everything that you do may not always be acknowledged, and gratitude may never be shown, but know that there are still people in this world who are not cruel. People who understand you and your heart, and love you for being such a kind person. Do not beat yourself up because someone played with your emotions. Users are the losers here. Some people feel entitled to things, and that is not your problem. That is on them. Some people were raised to care about nothing but themselves. Always remember the people who treat you fairly. Remember the people who ask how you are doing when they haven't heard from you in a while. The people who are never, "too busy." 

Unfortunately, with all of the self-centered individuals in this world, always thinking of the people you care about can set you up to be destroyed inside. Because they don't always care in return. You're going to feel taken advantage of, but never stop being the thinker. Never stop being the giver. Never stop being the person who goes out of her way. Don't try and change who you are because of the negativity in others. And don't feel like you are wrong or odd for being thoughtful. Some people are just miserable with themselves and don't notice the hurt they cause others. Some people get off on leaving people out. Some people somehow see beauty in their arrogance. Unfortunately, little do they know, it is an awful trait to have. Your beauty immediately fades when you treat the people who have shown you they care like dirt. But to this girl, who is struggling. I will remind you time and time again, there is NOTHING you can do to change someone who doesn't see an issue with their actions. Stay true to you. Love yourself and you will be amazed at the toxicity you stop tolerating. The disappointing thing about this world is that thoughtful people always get hurt first, and the most. We are constantly being walked on, because we are willing to take a consecutive beating for the ones we love. We are always the second choice - the sacrifice. We are always the call that is made when someone else can't come. We're always a sub-in, or some sort of benefit to get something else. We don't ever get the apology, we're always giving it. Even when we were not responsible for the problem. Because, yet again, we care deeply. We would rather apologize for something we didn't do than lose our friendship/relationship. We are the person who wants to help you even though we know you wouldn't do the same for us. But guess what, we're still going to do it because we have a heart like no other. Yes, we too make mistakes. But we know how to own up to it. We understand that it's ok to admit when we are wrong and we aren't ashamed of it. The neat thing about being the giver, the thinker and the one who is always trying is that our mistakes have made us who we are. We were built on figuring out where we strayed from the path and how negativity effected us. So, mark

my words when I say that we are strong. Don't ever try to break the girl who gave it her all because she is going to surprise you every single time. We don't break - we bend. And when we are forced to bend, we mold ourselves into who we need to be to overcome the obstacle. 

Never settle for less than you deserve, but never stop loving and showing compassion in spite of what you've been through. You are who you are for a lot of reasons, and even though you may not always feel appreciated, you are. You are appreciated by all of the others just like you. You are wanted and cared about. You have a heart of gold, and it is rare. When you are constantly doing for others it can be hard to remember that you also need to take care of yourself. Don't forget that you need to love yourself, too. You deserve the same kindness you show to others. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't worth it. Your value is not determined by anyone else. You decide what you are worth, and what you are worth is not the sub-in, or the second choice. Your worth is not the last call on the list. Your worth is not being used or taken advantage of. Your worth is the originality you put into things. It's your kindness and your want to do for others. Your worth is everything. So remember this when you feel like you aren't good enough. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing, exactly where you are meant to be. The road may not always be a busy one. Loyalty, love and compassion for others is sadly a lonely path to walk these days. But find it in your heart to keep walking, even when you want to drop to your knees and quit because you're so tired of fighting for what feels like nothing anymore. The destination is worth it, and you will find that in the end, you were worth holding on to. You were worth the friendship. The relationship. The partnership. It was those that neglecting to see you that no longer have value. And when they finally realize this, that is when you absolutely, and utterly turn your back and walk away. That is when you are still doing the kind thing, the thoughtful, the right thing. Because you're finally doing it for yourself.

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Loving or losing

I've been fortunate enough to be married to a man who appreciates me, and loves me just for being me. I was lucky enough to find my best friend, and my husband when I met Denver. He's seriously the best thing that could've happened to me - and we've been so graciously given the gift of a gorgeous home, a wonderful family and two perfect little boys to share all of it with. I mean, seriously, who else could love someone so much, that they have a 5 week old baby and are already jonesing for another?! :) Our life is pretty much everything I could've hoped for. I always feel wanted and cared about, and I've never doubted whether or not he loves me. I know that I'm fortunate, and I'm forever grateful for it. Having said that, I want to cover a sort of fragile topic. I have a lot of friends who are struggling with their relationships right now. I know there are some women out there who aren't feeling as lucky as I do today. I know there are some who are questioning things, or longing for something, anything, to give them a reason to hang on. And I want to say this... Because these women are my friends, and I always try to shed a little light if I can.

Men. (Or women, whoever it may apply to. I say men because my friends dealing with this are girls.) Seriously, go home and love your wife/girlfriend/significant other. When you finish working, or doing whatever it is you do, remember that she has had a long day, too. Regardless of whether she is with your children everyday or working out of the home, she deserves all of you. Not just the part of you that is left over at the end of the day. All of you. Treat your spouse with respect and kindness, and I promise you will always get it in return. It really isn't that hard. Please remember that your wife is playing many different roles, spinning many plates daily. She's a mother, a teacher, a daughter, a house keeper, a nurse, a playmate, a friend, but most of all, she's your wife. Your companion and your friend. Try to remember all of the amazing reasons you fell in love with her every day... and TELL HER. Speak of her beauty, and not just in her looks. Although it is always ok to compliment her, make it classy. Her beauty is far more than what is on the outside. Her intelligence, and devotion to all she does makes that beauty so much more distinct. Pay attention to the way she laughs, how she remembers things, and her character. If you have children, compliment her incredible ability to always be the best mother she can be, even when she's given all that she possibly can and there's nothing left to give. Mother's do a lot, and it is always nice to hear that we are doing a good job. Might I add that kind gestures do not go unnoticed, no matter how small. Flowers? Sure, why not? But even sorting and folding a pile of laundry or picking up her favorite candy on the way home. Clean the baseboards, change a diaper or offer her a kid-free day to just relax and do for herself what she wouldn't do any other day. Being in a relationship is challenging, and it should be. It was never meant to be easy. It should challenge your mind and your heart every second that you're in it. If it didn't life would be way too predictable. But those challenges are not meant to crush you. They are a test. A test that determines whether or not your love for each other is strong enough to endure a little rough wind. Sails of the ship can always be adjusted. Rough wind should never been enough to make you sink. Find happiness in the fact that this woman has chosen to spend her entire life with you. She has chosen to go through the good AND the bad, by your side. She's chosen to lift you up in the shining moments and comfort you during your failures. She's chosen to give up her body, because the stretch marks and the damn near unbearable aches and pains of pregnancy could never outweigh the reward of having those precious babies with the man that she is totally crazy about. Trust your spouse. Trust her, because she trusts you. Trust that she has your best interest at heart. Trust that she will always fight for you, and for the life you've built together. Refrain from negative comments. Refrain from causing contention just because you feel the need arising. You cannot litter negativity everywhere and expect to have a positive relationship. Always tell the truth - no matter how hard it may be to do. There is nothing worse than a relationship that is built on or around lies. And that is ANY kind of relationship. Your wife is not this weak and feeble person who is going to crumble over a little brutal honesty. Give her a little more credit. I can guarantee, she is a lot stronger than you think. Odds are she has seen and heard more than you know. We are women - and we prepare ourselves for the worst most days. No matter who or what it's from. We prepare. At the end of the day, this woman is what it all comes down to. Her smile, her wit, her flaws and all of her strength. The strength that it takes to deal with screaming babies all day. The strength that it takes to be mature in situations when the only thing she wants to do is shatter, and throw a few punches. Sometimes at you. The strength that it takes to be so overwhelmed by bills and kids and a career that she can't remember what day it is. The strength that it takes to feel like she is the only one fighting for this. Relationships do not have to fail. They really don't. But both parties have to be trying. There is no one way street. There's no instruction manual for love, but if you don't at least make an effort, you'll always lose. Give up the ego, the pride and the arrogance. Stop guilting your wife. Stop making her feel like she's beneath you, or like she owes you something. You are both carrying different weight in this. There is never, NEVER an excuse for being an asshole just because you feel like you can. Man up, grow up. This woman that at one point you couldn't get enough of is still standing in front of you, begging you to change your ways and just look her in the eye. Begging you to be that guy that she knows you can be. It's still there. But you're going to have to give up some things to get back to that. And you CAN get back to it. A little understanding and compromise is all it takes. It's a start, and if there is even the chance of a new start, then everything else will fall into place. Mistakes will always be made. That is a given. Trials will arise. But what matters most is that you both be stronger than those mistakes and tribulations. If I've learned anything in life it's that love is, with some exceptions, always worth it. The love for your spouse, your children, your family, and your friends. Love is not this thing that you just wake up not feeling one day. Which is why I firmly believe that it is one of the most powerful feelings, and it can conquer even the most difficult. 

To my girls specifically, when you feel like giving up... When you are so weak you feel like stopping completely. I know that sometimes these things I've said aren't always as simple as they seem. I mentioned there were exceptions. When you've cried all the tears you can cry and have hid all the pain you can possibly hide, try to remember why you've held on for so long. I know your tired. I know your grip is slipping. And I know you are angry. But as I said before, you are STRONGER. You are better. And you are worthy of so much more. No one can be all good and right all of the time. If you have done the very best you can, then sometimes there is nothing more you can do. Sometimes, although you feel that your love is enough, both parties don't agree. And as sad and heartbreaking as it may feel, maybe it really is time to let go. Not for him but for yourself. For the sake of your future and your happiness. Love can still remain if you are taking care of yourself. What you felt for that person may never really go away, and that's ok. It is ok to care for people, even when they don't express a care in the world for you. That is called being compassionate. It's called looking beyond the imperfections and seeing something deeper. And because you did the right thing, a reward will always come. Maybe not today, and maybe not next week... but someday. You will realize why you went through all that you did. You will see why a way out wasn't so apparent at the time. Everything will make perfect sense. Whatever you are facing daily in this relationship, you are going to make it. It is utter hell right now but the world is not ending. The tears will dry and the sun will rise again tomorrow. You know how they say everything looks better in the morning? I believe that. Because I believe a little rest and a clear mind can help to ease just about any pain. No, it won't make it go away, but it will rationalize your thoughts and decisions. It's healthy to have a break down once in a while, as long as you don't unpack and live there. Pick yourself up and take a look in the mirror at the wonderful, courageous and smart woman you are. A man didn't make you all of those things. Those attributes are YOURS and yours alone. I know you've been a part of something and someone else for so long that you wonder what life will be like without that, and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't really matter. Because sometimes being alone for a little while outweighs the agony of the way you are being treated. I believe you should never allow yourself to completely drown in doubt and pity. And you should never take any mental, physical or emotional beat down just because you feel obligated to. No one should have that power, no matter how much you love them. All of this is to let you know that you are going to be ok in the end. No matter what you decide to do. The decision is always yours. No one else's. And I promise you, if it's not ok, it's not the end. :) 

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Motherhood: Real and uncut

I can hardly remember a kid free life. I look back and it all seems like a blur. I was never a big party girl, and I never had to be with a crowd of people to validate myself. I guess in a way I remember certain things. But a baby didn't really put a kink in any plans I had, because I was already so adjusted to a pretty matured lifestyle. I have a somewhat decent recollection of life before kids. Always trying to impress people, do the right things. I remember being care free and not having many responsibilities. Trying to take everyone's advice and put it to good use for my future. But I could've never prepared myself for all the things in my life that I didn't have answers for. 

When I became pregnant with Jaxon, I received all sorts of unsolicited advice on how I should raise him. That's a large portion I do remember. You know, what I should do if he doesn't sleep. If I should or shouldn't circumcise him. How I should react when he gets his first stomach bug. What and when to feed him. Where the best pediatricians were. Whether or not I should breastfeed. Staying home with him or working full-time. How our sleeping arrangements should be. All the stuff people seem to think they know best about. 

I'm going to tell you a few things about what motherhood has taught me, and if by the end of this post it has made a momma or two out there a little more at ease about her choices, then I've done my job here today. 

My oldest son is almost three years old. He was an excellent sleeper his entire first year. I was a heavily scheduled, run a tight-ship type mom. To be honest, I still am. Jax was an ideal sleeper. I'm talking 13+ hours of straight sleep. We never had a problem. I was one of those moms who thought, well HA! I can brag on my kid because he's super cool and doesn't keep me awake all night. I even KIND OF already wanted another because of how simple he was. Yeah... no. Within the last 6-8 months my toddler has become a fucking religious nightmare. He is fantastic at putting himself to bed. When he's ready to go night night, he comes and tells me. We walk to his room and he gives his daddy and I a hug and a kiss and he puts himself to sleep in a twin bed. He doesn't fight it, doesn't need me to read to him and he doesn't need anyone in the room to accompany him. He'll sleep from about 7:45 to 2:00 AM. Then he wants to be awake the rest of the night. He flips around in the bed like a fish out of water. I'm not talking about wake up and cry awake, I'm talking about getting up and coming into our bedroom scaring the living shit out of us awake. We peacefully put him back to bed, and he climbs out again. Of course he climbs over my husband and he never even notices. That's just a speed bump to get to the one who will actually awaken from their slumber. MOMMA. It's gotten better over the last few months because he has very much matured in the bedtime area but he still wakes up a few times a night. You might think this means more sleep for me now. Wrong. If he ever wakes himself up, I have to watch the video baby monitor like a hawk until he falls back asleep to make sure I catch him if he attempts to get up. I want to instill in him that there is no reward for him getting out of that bed. Am I dreaming? Probably. I could just be completely and 110% dog ass tired, I don't know. No kid is perfect. Their sleep habits suck. It's normal. Expect it. And don't get your hopes up when they're finally doing good and sleeping through the night. It's only a matter of time before the next of nocturnal waves begin. 

I bottle fed my son. I didn't even try breastfeeding. GASP! I know. I didn't want to. I didn't have to. I had literally no desire in my bones to have a child eating all

his meals from my boob. Plus, he was a 9 lb baby. Do you honestly think my breastmilk would have been enough for him? Doubtful. And I wasn't about to be open tap for his chubbiness. No one out there is going to tell me how to feed my baby. I have a best friend who comes to my house and breastfeeds right in front of me. Because guess what? I don't care! I don't care how she feeds her baby and she knows that. It's awesome if she wants to breastfeed. She can feed the kid milk out of the carton. I don't care! Not my kid, not my business. She's the one who is raising him. It's her decision. Let me clear this up for anyone who may be questioning it. You don't get to choose what's right for someone else's child. Leave them ALONE. Especially if they are a first time mom. 

I weened my son off the pacifier about 6 months ago. I stopped letting him have it during the day cold turkey. He did great. My kido never really NEEDED the pacifier, we just kind of gave it to him to keep him quiet when he got a little fussy. The days have been awesome. He never shows that he even remembers he had one during the day. But yet again, he was never a big "rely on" the pacifier guy. But let me just say this... if I was to try and take that damn thing away from him when he goes to bed, total HELL would break loose in this household. He doesn't even suck on it! He just squeezes it like it's a security item or some shit. He loses them in the bed and freaks out and I have to run in there and give him another 5 of them before he starts whaling and wakes himself up. In all seriousness, I think he believes it's a security item to squeeze on. When he gets up in the morning and I make his bed, he has about 30 pacifiers under the sheet. I have to dig them all out and put them into a basket. Yes, there's that many. I don't know when he'll fully not need one and I really don't care. I try to remember that he's only a few months away from being 3. A single digit number. Still partially a baby. He still relies on me for pretty much everything, and if the pacifier in his hand soothes him to sleep then I will buy stock in them until he is sixteen. So what if they need it in the grocery store? So what if they walk and talk and still use it? So what if they need it all freaking day? So what if they're 5 and still love their wubanub? WHO. REALLY. CARES. Who is it killing? I can think of a million other things in the world that are worse than a kid having a pacifier. They WILL grow out of it. 

I was once in the check out line at Walmart when some old hag behind the register told me I was spoiling my son because I gave him the candy he was screaming for. Ok, seriously? You would rather hear my toddler shriek and cry over not getting a pack of Twix than me just hand it to him so everyone in the store can have their peace? And I assure you, if I didn't give it to him - he would cry all the way out of those automatic double doors, and probably through the parking lot. Please do not tell me that I am spoiling my child. I know I am spoiling him. I don't care that I've spoiled him. It's keeping what is left of my sanity in tact so I don't jump the fucking cash register and strangle you with your green "May I help You?" vest. Jaxon has been an only child for almost 3 years. What are the odds that he's going to think he can get what he wants when he wants it? I can't really say I blame him because I've had no one else to buy for. If we go to the store, he's probably getting a toy, or candy, or a balloon. If it gets me through one more grocery trip so I can get enough coffee to survive another week then throw that light saber in the buggy, kido. If you say you don't spoil your kids somehow, you are lying. Just like I know you pee in the shower. 

I never co-slept. My son slept in a swing next to the couch for the first 3 weeks of his life because we were learning a feeding routine. Then I put him in his crib and never looked back. I'm thankful he was a crib sleeper. It worked for us. I had busted my pregnant ass on that nursery and by God he was going to sleep in it. I did worry about him during the night, but I knew that was a perfectly natural feeling for a mother. My son has never needed me or a stuffed animal in bed with him. But if he did, would it really be the worst thing? I mean, eventually, he will grow up and not need me like he does now. I don't think sharing a bed is going to royally screw up any child. Just always know the safe way to do it. I know people who sleep with their kids, and they are happy that way. They make it work. It's their way of getting some rest and that's perfectly ok. I get rest with my kid across the house, in his own room, and that's ok, too. We are all just trying to make it. Do what works for you and be grateful that it does. Any sleep you get while you have children is good sleep. 

"I can't believe they are allowing their kid to scream like that in public." Only some asshole with no kids, or parent with a child who has not quite made it to the insanely vocal stage would actually mutter that phrase. It is normal for babies to cry. It is normal for toddlers to cry. And it is normal for older kids to get upset and throw insane fits in the middle of the aisle at Walmart. It's part of life. If you don't want to hear a toddler have a tantrum, don't go out into the world. I'm not going to drop what I'm doing and leave the store or food establishment because hearing my child scream makes you uncomfortable. Am I embarrassed? Obviously. Will I try to shut him up? Of course. But when it comes to the comprehension and attention span of a strong willed two year old, the odds are not really ever in my favor. Occasionally, we get lucky and I find a way to soothe his anger, but rarely. You have a right to make your own life decisions and are entitled to your opinion. I chose to have a child. He's not perfect and he does get overly emotional about things like butter packets being sealed and food being too hot to eat right when it comes out. He's a toddler. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the odds of you being a little asshole when you were two are probably pretty good. I will always do my best to keep my children well behaved in public places, but please understand that it doesn't always go that way. Try giving the mother in Costco with the pissed off toddler and screaming newborn a pat on the back. Tell her she's doing a good job and stop judging from afar. Odds are, she's probably not getting much rest right now. Hint: the fact she has both her kids at the grocery store with her.

I've been pretty fortunate as far as being able to stay at home with my son. I've worked a little, been in school for my doctorate and also done absolutely nothing. Being home isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm surrounded by toddler talk and annoying cartoons pretty much 24/7. When I need to get something done, I have a two year old up my ass constantly. Every task takes 3 times longer than it should. Things that should take me 5 minutes take half the day. The laundry, the dishes, making beds, dusting, mowing. Yep, you can bet my child is right there behind me. I love him to pieces. He's the best helper in the world. He loves to vacuum and wipe up spills. I've taught him well. He'll be nice and OCD just like his momma. But he's still a relentless little fart. I don't get much adult time. I can count the times I've been away from him on one hand. Yes, it's a blessing and a curse. Granted, I don't like to go out and drink or see crazy late night movies so a lot of times it doesn't really bother me much. I'm not big on going and spending the day at the mall. It's not my thing. To be honest, I don't feel like I miss much. I mean, I have the best job in the world, right? Seeing my kid grow each day. Ha! I really just enjoy laying in bed with a glass of cheap wine watching something good on Netflix while my kid slumbers in his bed. And so help me God if you ever wake him up. I have friends who love to go out. I have friends who still get plastered on Friday nights. I have friends who enjoy not getting out of their pajamas all week. And I have friends who enjoy nights away from their kids. I also have friends who work their asses off all week at a job, only to come home and still have a huge pile of laundry to do and a crying baby to take care of. Both sides of the court are hard to play. You can work at home and you can work out of the home. The job is never done. I am tired all the time. There's not enough time in the day to do all that I need to do and my husband works late every single night. I have no time for myself, my hair stays crammed in a messy bun, and I'm too pregnant to bend over when I clean so I'm constantly doing this awkward cave man squat. I have no babysitters because my family is in Texas. If you have any sort of help with your kids, take it. Be grateful that you have what you do and never abuse it. It's a very difficult task to take it all on by yourself. You are only one person. Either way, we are all equally as exhausted. I can attest to the fact that staying at home is not an easy job to have. But you are not a negligent parent because you chose your career. And maybe you didn't choose the career. Maybe financially you didn't have the option of giving it up. Maybe you have an agreement with your spouse that you won't stay home full-time. That's perfectly ok. It's one of the shitty things about being a woman. We often don't get the luxury of CHOOSING our children first anymore. Sometimes it's either have a stable income and a nice home or stay home and move into a cheap ass rent house. Not everyone can have both. We SHOULD be able to, but not anytime soon in this world. No matter which, you're still a good mom. Whether you love being a stay at home or you hate it. Whether you work everyday or work part time. You are still giving yourself everyday to make life better for yourself and your family. All the while maintaining and taking on your motherly duties. And you do it without complaint. That's what really matters. Try to remember that it is never the size of the luxuries. Always the size of the heart. Your kids will be strong because you are strong.

We are currently potty training. If you've ever had to potty train a speech delayed child, it's like staring into the gates of firey hell. My son has come a long way in the last year. He wasn't picking up words or sentences by age 2 and we were getting pretty concerned. Communication is key in potty training and when you don't have that it makes it very difficult. The more I talked to other parents, the more I started feeling like Jax was somewhat behind. I, of course, immediately panicked and had his hearing checked again, which was normal. I went to Dollar Tree and bought out the education aisle. Something that was supposed to be about potty training turned into full on intervention for speech therapy. We started working on his letters and numbers and he picked it up almost instantly. It was like a breath of fresh air. He started singing his ABC's and asking us short questions. He's still learning, don't get me wrong. But we have really come far from where he used to be. Anyway, back to the potty training. So I've stated my kid is almost 3, right? Well, he does pretty good... when he wants to. He mastered the peeing part fairly fast (yet again, when he wants to) but we aren't quite to the whole #2 thing yet. We bought him the frog potty with the propeller that spins and right away he took to it. Some days he's peeing in the potty, other days he's peeing in my floor. Right now he's just going to his room and shutting the door and not saying anything about having to go when the other urge strikes. He obviously knows he needs to be doing it in private. I've cleaned up more attempts at potty training than I can count. I see all my mom friends working with their toddlers and they seem to be dealing with the same things. I've sort of come to terms with the fact that he will learn when he is truly ready. It's going to be a messy, gross and very tedious but I know that he will get it down. He's a smart boy. He is set to start pre-k in the next school year and I'm holding out hope that he will be fully trained by then if we hit it hard after the holidays. All in all, he's learning just like every other toddler out there. Some are trained at 2 and some aren't fully trained until they turn 5. It just depends on their motivation, comprehension and desire to actually do it. If your child isn't on the level of readiness quite yet, you are not a lazy parent. You aren't falling behind. You aren't doing anything wrong. Every kid is 100% different. Don't expect them to all learn at the same pace. Especially things that involve working and controlling their little private parts. Potty training will eventually be a distant memory for all of us. Oh, what a glorious day that will be! When cleaning dirty butts and finding a place to dispose of the smelliest diapers in the world so they don't stink up the entire house is a thing of the past. 

All in all, motherhood is an everyday trial. It's hard. It's probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done. We need to start building other Mother's up instead of tearing them down for their choices or situations. No mom is perfect. I would like to think I do a pretty decent job at parenting and disciplining my kid, but unfortunately, I'm probably still raising an asshole. They will learn over time. It's really ok if everything isn't perfect. We are all struggling. We are all tired. And we are all still learning day by day. I'm about to give birth to another son any day now, and I still don't have any of this figured out. I've read books, articles, ads and magazines on this whole parenting shit show. You can Google search, "how to put a stop to tantrums" and read Pinterest's "ways to calmly speak to your child on their level" until your little heart gives out but I promise, your kid is not doing anything that mine isn't or hasn't already done. You are not alone in your miserable days when you want to pull your hair out. It's normal that you've thought about walking out without packing a bag and not looking back. Kids do that to you. And you are in good company. Nothing that you do will change that your child is a child. Continue to do what you are good at. Be a shoulder to cry on when they are sad and the keeper of the overly sugared chocolate chip granola bars. Be their security. Be their guidance, because Lord only know in this world they will need it. Be their comfort. Be a Sonic Happy Hour date. But most of all, just keep being their mother. It's a job you could never fail at. :)

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To my little boy: Your guide to such a big world.

You're going to stumble to get to where you really want to be, and it's always going to take time and a lot of patience, but you will get there. Never give up because you are waiting on something particular to happen. It is always worth the wait. Always. Patience is key, and you must have a lot of it to get through this life.

Love will find you. It will make you or break you, and sometimes the break is beyond your control. Your little heart will pull you in so many different directions, but if you were loving for the right reasons, you will never love in vain. Heartache is only temporary, and you will one day find someone who will make any and all of those breaks seem as if they weren't so drastic after all. Love is complicated and sometimes messy, but I can promise you that it is a complicated, messy, INCREDIBLE part of this world.

This world is full of differences. We are not all the same. Each and every person on this Earth is living a separate life from yours, and they are all fighting their own battle and dealing with their own struggle. It is your job to always be accepting of these differences. To never judge anyone for how or why they do the things they do. You should always allow for other's shortcomings. In this life, if you remember anything at all that I tell you, remember to be kind and tolerant. You are not the only human being that deserves love. Everyone does.

Never make rash decisions when you are feeling emotional. When sadness, anger or guilt get the best of you, talk to someone. Talk to me or your dad, a friend or any adult you trust. We are all here for you and I promise that talking about the problem will help more than any quick, thoughtless decision you could've made.

I pray that you always remember how much you are cared for. There will never be anything in this world you can do that would make me or your daddy stop loving you. I know there will be times when you think you hate us, but we are only doing the things we do out of love for you. Because we are protecting you and want the absolute best for you. We will never intentionally hurt you. All of our decisions come with your best interest in mind. 

Remember to work hard for what you want. Never expect things to come easy, or to be handed to you. Do your very best to understand that good things can come out of a struggle, and that there will be times when you DO have to struggle. It is not a punishment, but a part of learning responsibility and work ethic. You will find that the harder you work the more it will pay off, and that any battle you fight to better yourself and your goals will always be worth it.

Never take anything for granted. People, places, privileges, finances, moments, all of it. Take none of it as if you will get it again tomorrow. It can be taken away as quick as it was given. Live every second like it's your last and cherish anything and everything possible. It will make you a better, more diligent person. 

I want you to see the best in people. I know when someone does you wrong or mistreats you, all you will see is the negative. It is a difficult task to overcome adversity and still manage to see the light. But try. Being positive and seeing the good in a person or bad situation will mold and shape you into a more honorable human being. It will do wonders for your growth, and prepare you for adulthood. 

Be honest. The truth is sometimes hard to say, and can often be brutal at times, but never lie to hide it. Be kind, but say what is on your mind. Never be afraid to speak opinions or be realistic. The only person you ever have to answer for is yourself, and as long as you are honest with yourself and others, that will never be a battle you have to fight. 

Don't have regrets. There will be decisions that you make in your life that you aren't always sure of, and you may second guess yourself a lot - but never let those guesses become regrets. Everything you do and don't do will have pros and cons, and it is part of life and human nature to wonder what would have happened had you done things differently. But no matter what, those choices made you who you are, and you should never regret them. At some point, the decisions you make will be exactly what you want and although they may not always give you the results you had planned on, it's going to be ok because life is what happens while you were busy making those plans.

Please hold onto your dreams. Strive to hit goals and do all the things you want do. Never allow others to put damper on shootings for the stars. Remember that you are smart and strong and that you can do or be anything with the right mind set. Stay ambitious, stay motivated and stay focused. You can do anything your little heart desires.

Trust your instincts. If something feels like it's wrong it probably is. As you get older you will learn more and more about the phrase, "go with your gut." You know better than anyone what is right and wrong for you. You don't have to do anything that you don't feel good about and if your friends are really your friends, they will understand that. Some of the most difficult decisions you will ever make will face you during youth. It will be tough to make good choices, and not follow the crowd. But just remember that you are not any less of a person should you choose to walk away. Keep a good head on your shoulders and trusting your instincts will always be simple.

You're going to make mistakes throughout life. They happen, and you shouldn't be ashamed. Everyone messes up, it's how we choose to fix them and move on that really matters. Mistakes give you character. They give you experience, and experience is a hard teacher to learn from. It gives you the test first and the lesson later. Be prepared. Just because you make a mistake doesn't mean you have failed or that life is over. It just means you are human. It is ok to be human. :)  

What I want you to know most is that I would do anything for you. I love you and will always portect you. I would give you the world if I only could. You are my child, my flesh and blood. I would die for you. I want you to know that I write these words because I want your life to be amazing. To let you know that you are never alone in all these things. I make time to write these things because you deserve it. You deserve to know how much love I feel for you everyday. I will always be proud of you. Please take these words and keep them close, no matter where you go. Keep them as close as I keep all of our wonderful memories together.

I love you little boy, and all your future siblings. You are all the best thing that could ever happen to me and I haven't even met some of you yet. :)

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Working a double: For the not so stay at home Mom

There have been a lot of blog posts about women who stay at home to mother their children. In fact, I read a very good one just a few days ago about a man who says he can't afford for his wife to stay at home because of all the things she does as a SAHM that naturally, go unpaid. It is most definitely a great read, and it gave me an idea for this post. An idea to do things a little different.

I want to write for the working Mothers. I am currently a stay at home Mom, and have been since my son was born. My wonderful husband has given me the luxury of seeing him grow and change everyday and it has been a great experience for me and for my little boy, who is now almost fifteen months old. But this year, I began pursuing my PHD and was hired at a new job, all the while somehow continuing to take care of my daily SAHM duties. It is HARD. I have been given a pretty clear little glimpse of what it is like for the working Mother, and I want to write for her. 

It takes a wonderful, strong, and selfless woman to be a working Mother. To get up every morning and go to a job when you have a child you really, honestly don't want to leave takes a Mother who is always willing to do what is best for her family. I know that there are some women out there who don't mind going to work and leaving their children and that is perfectly ok, too. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your time apart. Everyone needs that break. But, regardless, I want all working Mothers out there to know how appreciated and admired you are, and how much I think this world takes you for granted, and that is what this is about. 

As a SAHM, I feel like I work non-stop. I feel as if I clocked in the day my son was born and that I'll never clock out, and that's the truth. That is reality, because no matter what, he will always be my baby. I will always be on the clock to care for him, no questions asked. A working Mother is no different. She takes care of her child all night, then gets up, pulls herself together to look presentable and gets everyone cleaned up and out the door to where they need to be on time. She then works all day to provide for her family. When her time there is finished, she clocks out - and immediately clocks into her next job without a single moment wasted... Mom. She never clocks out. She is constantly working to do and be the best she can for whoever expects it of her. And a lot of people expect it of her. Being at a job and under pressure constantly is a lot to take on while you have a child at home who also has needs. It is a long, never ending to-do list, and juggling a life that requires both a career and children can be frustrating but at the same time so rewarding.

After having given up her entire day to bring home a paycheck that sometimes doesn't seem worth it, a working Mother swaps her hat and picks up her child as if she never really left. She is a multitasker and a good one, at that. She is able to totally change her focus to what is most important to her, her baby. That tiny, sweet piece of perfection that makes even the worst days seem not so bad. Even with a job, still being able to come home and cook dinner and get all the laundry done is an accomplishment. I stay at home and there are days when I just cannot bring myself to cook a meal for my husband and son, and we end up in the drive thru at the closest fast food restaurant. So, with that being said, I applaud any Mother who can leave her job and come home totally prepared to start a hot meal for her family. 

I think highly of a working Mother for many reasons. Whether she wants to be at her job or not, she is brave and smart, and doing all the right things for her family. She makes sacrifices each day that majority of the time go unnoticed, but here and now I want these Mothers to know that I notice. I see it. I know how hard it must be to be away from your children 5-7 days a week, and I think you have to have a pretty bad ass level of strength and confidence to do what you do. You put your child's needs first, and that makes an unbelievably good and successful Mom.

I have a lot of friends who are working Mothers, and I hear their situations, scenarios, and sometimes pleas for a life of just being able to be with their child everyday. For whatever reason, they are unable to do it, and it breaks my heart to know that not everyone has the SAHM opportunity available to them, because it really is a life changing experience and I think every Mom should be able to have the chance to do it at some point during Motherhood. 

I am blessed to know some intelligent, compassionate and professional working Moms who deserve to be acknowledge and told they are appreciated for what they do. Their children are going to be so bright and so thankful for having such amazing role models who showed them that a great work ethic and reliability are qualities to be thankful for. SAHM's please don't think that I am leaving your hard work out because I am one myself, as I said before. We work just as hard everyday, we just don't get a paycheck. ;)

So, you can't afford for your wife to be a stay at home Mother, eh? Well, you can't afford for her to work, either. She drives to work, is there all day doing what she needs to do to get that paycheck, drives home, washes clothes, cooks, cleans, takes the trash out, bathes the kids, gets them in bed and then before ever thinking about going to bed and passing out for the night, asks her husband if there is anything else she needs to take care of before morning. That is who she is - always putting others before herself. She is both an at home Mom and a working Mom, and her job is just as difficult. Take her out for a date night, slip  a massage gift certificate into the seat of her car, or just simply tell her how APPRECIATED what she does is. Tell her that her hard work and love for her child is the most beautiful thing you've had the pleasure of witnessing everyday and that you wouldn't make it without her constant efforts. She deserves to know how important she is. 

Sometimes words mean more than gifts, and maybe before she switches shifts tonight, you could find the time to say a few. After all, it wouldn't be normal if her 15 minute break included silence. ;) 

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