Dear Jaxon, your birth story memory.

Dear Jaxon,

First I'd like to say, you had some of the most amazing people involved in your medical care. I'm telling you, amazing. Your doctor was everything I could have hoped for in a doctor. A very soft spoken, witty, fun doctor. He had a great sense of humor and I loved that about him. He made me feel good when he told me he admired that I wasn't like most pregnant women who he saw. That I was there every appointment to get in and out, that I wasn't ever too worried about anything, and that I just went with the flow. That I trusted him. His PA, Kelly, was incredible. She is such a wonderful woman and I am thankful I met her when I did. She took great care of me at all my appointments. I will most definitely be seeing her again when we decide to give you a sweet brother or sister.

The second to last day of December, my OBGYN, Dr. Deiter, told me they would like me to go as far as I could in my pregnancy and delay induction because you were measuring small. I told every doctor and nurse I was further along than they thought, but no one would listen. I know when my husband and I conceived our son. I'm not an idiot. Jax, you felt huge to me... like I was carrying around two bowling balls everywhere I went. Sometimes it felt like you were so heavy you'd eventually just fall out with no pushing at all. Everyone I talked to said, "Oh, Molly, he'll be tiny because your belly is so small." I only gained 22 pounds, so then came the comments of, "I gained 60 with all of mine!" and "There is no way he could be that big of a baby if that's all the weight you've gained." I was sitting there thinking, "This stomach weighs a ton. This child will be at least 8 to 9 lbs. He is friggin' gigantic." My belly was stretched to a God awful limit and your ultrasounds had you measuring little, judging by what the techs said. I still thought that was so wrong. I was even told my fluid was too low at one point based on ultrasound measurements.

The doctor told me not to work myself into a frenzy but to go ahead and get our things prepared for the hospital. To do something that might take my mind off the fact that I "thought" I was going to be overdue. So I did just that. I went home, packed up all our things for the hospital and your daddy put the base and car seat in his truck. We went to the Dollar Tree and bought a bunch of crap we ended up not needing. Crossword puzzles, extra toothpaste, snacks, bath stuff, etc. Ha! Like we were going on a cruise or something.

We waited... and waited. Days went by and nothing happened. I was miserable with hip pain and heartburn the last few weeks. You weren't a morning sickness baby - but you were a "end of term" sickness baby. I barfed a few times in the days before you were born because of the terrible heartburn. I thought it would never go away. It kept me awake every single night. So did you dancing around in my ribs. I thought you were for sure going to be a mess I couldn't control once you got out!

You gave us two false alarms. The first time, it was sleeting and the roads were slick. I figured with my luck and you being a winter baby, that was going to happen. I thought I was having hardcore contractions. They were insanely close together and irritating as hell. I just knew my water was going to break at any second. We already had our things loaded in the truck so all we had to do was jump in and go. We arrived at the hospital around midnight on January 12th. The nurses hooked me up the monitors and got me all set up to be checked for dilation. I was still at a 1. I couldn't believe it. I stayed for another two hours to be monitored just in case and then they released me. I was disappointed and pissed off. I kept telling everyone I was overdue and to just go ahead and induce me. At this point, I was just sick of being pregnant.

The second time we had a false alarm, it was about 4 AM on January 20th. It was snowing like crazy and I thought we weren't going to be able to make it to the hospital. The roads were so thick with snow and it was so early that no one had used the roads yet. I was leaking some kind of fluid and thought my water broke. Yet again, I was so desperate to not be pregnant anymore I was willing to have them check again and see if I was in labor or at least close to it. When we got to the hospital, they knew who we were. Ha! They hooked me up to the monitors and I was having mild contractions but not enough to cause me to dilate further than a 2. I thought, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!" Yet again, we were sent home. That next week at my last doctors appointment, they set me up to be induced on February 2nd. All the nurses had bets on how much you would weigh. Some said 6 others said 7. Some even said you would be 5. I just laughed and said, "Keep dreaming ladies..."

The next week and a half went by SO SLOW. I was so ready to have you here with us. I couldn't wait to meet you and get my body back. I anticipated the day with everything I had. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I pictured what it was going to be like to see your adorable little face for the first time. It seems like the days went by slower and slower the more I thought about it. So I finally had to take my mind off of it with other things... even though there wasn't much I could do to NOT think about it.

Over Full-term and headed to the hospital!

On February 2nd, your daddy and I arrived at the hospital, Southwest Medical Center in OKC, around 11:00 PM. Yes, they decided they wanted to induce me at almost midnight. Yuck! I began my Pitocin and IV drip immediately and your daddy talked to me and watched TV for a few hours. We were both exhausted because we hadn't slept yet and the hospital room was so hot. We had the nurse come in a pull that sucker down to 60 degrees! I think the bed was worse than the contractions I started having. I could not get comfortable. I also hadn't eaten since about 5:30 that evening and I was starving. They wouldn't let me have anything to snack on until after you were born. Just that damn crushed ice that I wanted to shove up the nurses ass. My good nurse didn't arrive until the next morning. Your daddy got me whatever I wanted. He stayed awake with me when I was awake and got the nurses for me when I needed something. He never once questioned anything. He was just as ready to meet you as I was. Sometime around 3 AM, we both passed out. I didn't sleep very long because, yet again, the bed was a piece of shit. I woke up around 7:30 AM and had the nurse come check me and see how dilated I was. I had progressed to a 3 and she somehow made me a 4 when she checked me. Yeah, OUCH. About an hour later, the doctor came in and broke my water because it still hadn't yet. Over a pound of fluid poured out of me. So here was the first thing the tech was wrong about. Ha! He had so much fluid it was unreal. They said I had more than enough. It was crazy... and warm... and gross. But I didn't care.

All the family was out in the waiting room. I didn't allow anyone in the delivery room besides your daddy and the nurses/doctor. I wanted this to be our own experience as a family. By 11:00 AM I was fully dilated and ready to push. The doctor came in, along with about 10 trainee nurses. Yes, 10! I wasn't even asked if it was okay that they come in and watch, but at this point, I really just wanted to get you out of me. All the nurses stood and watched while I pushed. Your daddy stood beside me and comforted me through it all. There was no screaming and hollering or pitching a fit. I just pushed while we all talked about the Superbowl commercials. I kid you not, we just talked like my legs weren't spread wide open for the world to see. After about 15 minutes of pushing, you weren't really coming down as far as they needed you to. Dr. D asked if he could use  a special tool to help ease you out of the birth canal. I knew he meant the forceps. I was very uneasy about this, as I had just seen on the news a few weeks prior to this that there was an incident with a baby passing away from the improper usage of that tool by a doctor. I trusted my doctor, so I told him to do whatever made it easiest for him. In less than 5 minutes, he slowly pulled you out. They wiped you down and sucked out some of the gunk from your mouth and nostrils and laid you on my chest. You had this loud, blood curdling scream. I was instantly in love with you. You had so much hair when you were born! (Can't say much for you now...) Your daddy and I both stared at you. You opened your eyes and immediately stopped crying. It was like you knew exactly who we were. They took you and sat your on the scale for weight and measurement. You were a whopping 9 lbs, 5 oz and 22 inches. Another thing the tech was wrong about. I KNEW IT! I KNEW you'd be huge and no one believed me. The doctor even said he was sorry for not believing that I might be overdue. Ha! When your daddy went out to the waiting room to tell everyone we had our baby boy, they were in shock at how much you weighed. Everyone asked where I had put all of you while I was pregnant. They all thought you'd be tiny, too. I had you dressed and cleaned up, looking cute in no time. Your close still swallowed you, even though you were a man child. The family came in and held you, talked to you, and loved on you. Everyone was posting pictures on Facebook. I was exhausted, starving to death and hurting... but so, so happy. I am still so happy. Now, at almost 6 months old, you are our everything. You have added so much joy to our lives and we can't get enough of you and all you do. My sweet angel baby, Jaxon, I am proud to be your Mommy. Your father is proud to be your Daddy. Everyday we smile that much more because you're here with us. We will always give you the best and do what is right for you. We will always be here for you, no questions asked. There is nothing you could ever do that would make us not love you. Your daddy and I adore you. We couldn't ask for more. Moral of your birth story? Yes, your doctors and ultrasound techs CAN make mistakes. Those little pictures on that screen can tell you a lot, but they can also be wrong. Tell your sweet wife someday to always follow her motherly instinct. :) I knew you were a boy from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't wrong about that, either! :)

I guess I need to start antagonizing daddy about giving you a sibling! ;)

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A mommy, soon you will be.

Your future, our future, their future...

To my soon-to-be Mommy friends:

I am so excited for you. I am thrilled you are beginning your journey. This is a journey that will last a lifetime. Being a mother is one of the most rewarding, exhausting, but amazing, things you will ever do with your life. It is full of new experiences and outcomes. Each day you will wake up to something new. Whether it be your son finally discovering he can grab his junk or that your daughter is finally able to throw her leg over the crib rail and get herself stuck, it is all an experience that you will never forget. This child will be your life. I mean it. You think you love him/her now inside of you, but wait until the doctor places he/she in your arms for the first time. Those glazed over eyes, tiny little nose, and that first cry. It melts your heart instantly. They will look up at you and instinctively know exactly who you are. They will know, "this is what I've waited nine months for." And so will you. It will be a love you almost can't fathom. You will be overwhelmed with joy and fear all at the same time. Joy of finally having someone so special that you created, but fear of all the things that could happen to them. You will anticipate putting them in that first adorable outfit you've had picked out since the day you find out their gender. You'll think they'll fit in it perfectly, but it'll actually swallow their tiny little body (even at nine pounds)! This legacy God has given you will rely on you for everything for a very, very long time. It's terrifying when you actually think about it, but such a blessing.

The first few weeks, you'll find it difficult to get used to having extra baggage. I don't say 'baggage' meaning the child itself, but all the accessories. A diaper bag, bottles, blankets, car seat, stroller, whatever you decide to take along. Then you can add about 7 or 8 lbs of human to all that and you're set! In my case, it was almost a 10 lb human lol. I'm not gonna lie, it is absolutely exhausting. Especially while your body is healing. Sure, your significant other will help (if he doesn't, punch him in the nuts that helped you make that baby) - but it is nothing compared to all you will take on as that child's mother. The good news? We are MADE for this. We are women and we are so, so strong. Our bodies are extraordinary and full of that "get up and go" juice. This is power you probably never knew you had. It's no joke when they say motherhood tests your abilities. You only think you're a hard sleeper now. The first time that child makes even the slightest peep on that monitor you'll be up and by their side within seconds. Only for the first few weeks, though. You do learn what all their little noises mean. Hunger, pain, fussiness, curiosity, or just plain cooing. This innocent life will be all you think about. You will never again go in a store and come out with only what you needed. You will go in Target and come out with the groceries you needed, but also, toys, baby clothes, diapers, wipes, and a bunch of other misc. junk. You will spend an extra hundred to two hundred dollars just because you couldn't help but think of that sweet baby you crave to spoil.

Prepare yourself for the instinct of protection to take the wheel within the first hour of their life. You'll be hesitant on who you allow to hold him/her. You'll wonder what sickness everyone has had within the last week that you need to be weary of. You'll Lysol EVERYTHING. You'll finally decide it's time to go back to work and you will find yourself in tears over whether or not it is actually worth it anymore to work. You will feel like all you've done is work, even on your maternity leave. Babies are a blessing, but they are work. They are responsibility. Your downtime is pretty much gone. They are fantastic, fun, energetic and breath-taking. I can't remember a time I looked at my little boy and didn't think, "Wow, he's mine. I did that. (With a little help of course. Ha!) He's part of me." I feel like I can do anything knowing that this kid is here.

I know there are a lot of women who don't have the opportunity to bare a child, and that makes me so, so sad. I'd give anything to be able to have the body to produce lots of babies so no woman would ever have to go through such a difficult trial. The trial of it never happening, medical procedures, or being put on an adoption wait-list. I know that kind of disappointment and heartache must be painful, but I also know that God has a purpose and reason for everything. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle. So to those, Mommy's... who never actually got to be Mommy, know that you are thought of daily. You are loved and cherished. Our kids will love and cherish you. You will experience their love in a way that we never will. It will be a one-of-a-kind love. God knew what He was doing when He created all of you.

Don't let this post scare you. These beautiful, wonderfully made pieces of our heart are great. I don't think I have ever done anything as awesome as being a Mom. It is so much fun. My son and I have the best time together and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in the world. You will make memories that will last a lifetime. Funny things will happen. My son once tipped over at 3 months old trying to sit up on his own in his crib and instead of catching him, I got out the video on my phone and recorded it. Don't worry, the mattress was good and padded. Now I look back at that and laugh. I will be able to show him that when he's older in hopes that he will appreciate the funny memories I save for him. You will love dressing them up and getting them cleaned up. It will make your heart smile when other people are in awe over how adorable they are. They will go bananas over the first time they get to hold him/her. They'll tell you, "Oh he/she looks like so&so." Well, don't take it to heart because majority of the time, they don't look like "so&so." Lol! There is a good chance your significant other will have a pure baby. That child could very well look exactly like the father. You may see no resemblance to you and your features at all. It happens - and my son is that way, but it makes me fall more in love with both my husband and my little boy everyday. It makes me that much more thankful that he is healthy, handsome and full of life. I think someday he'll look like me, maybe, who knows lol. Maybe he'll get my attitude. Ha! 

Mommy friends, I know your back hurts. You are having Braxton Hicks out the wazoo. You are taking a wiz every 10 seconds and that thump in your lower abdomen keeps making you think your water is going to break at any moment. You are tired of the miserable leg cramps and ready to get your body back. Those new Miss Me jeans at Buckle are calling your name. You can't stand the thought of what your body might look like after this baby comes out. I promise you, with all my heart, it is not that bad. You are beautiful, regardless. If it takes you a week to get the weight off, years, or even if you keep some of it. Who cares? We make people! We generate a bundle of cuteness. Sure, we go through a lot of hell to do it but is it ever not worth it? It's ALWAYS worth it. We are ridiculous with awesomeness and personally, I think that is flawless. You're sick of being the only one at the dinner table that can eat two plates, plus some. Don't worry - it is almost over. But it is also almost a new beginning. Pregnancy prepares you for a lot - but not nearly enough. Cherish these last few months or weeks before you're full-term. Take a few good looks at your perfectly round, stretched to it's limit tummy. Enjoy your quiet time, your alone time. Take a bubble bath or enjoy a dinner for two with your spouse. Love, love, LOVE that freedom. Your life is about to change. Your world is about to be flipped upside down. You, my dear, are about to become Mommy, and there is nothing... absolutely NOTHING better than Mommy. :)

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Parenting Choices - Not your kid, not your business.

As a mother, it is brought to my attention on a daily basis that other parents think they have the right to critique or judge my ways of parenting. As a mother, it is also brought to my attention on a daily basis that I need to stand up for the choices I make for my child. I need to put forth an effort of defense on why I chose the things I did. I am doing this not because I have to, but because I want to. Because I'm not afraid to justify the way I do things as a mother.

I chose not to breastfeed my son. I am not obligated to specify my reasons to anyone, but I'm going to. I think it's good to be out in the open about things so there is never any shame or conflict. My decision to not breastfeed Jaxon comes from a very personal choice. It probably comes off as selfish to some, but I did not want to exhaust my body in any other way. (Yes, I know breastfeeding is actually healthy for your body, but it doesn't always seem that way when I'm up at 3 AM because of pure insomnia & all I see are other mothers complaining about how miserable it is. Don't shake your head, you know you've done it.) I had just endured nine months of pregnancy and I was not ready for all that came with committing to breastfeeding. My entire body hurt. I was exhausted. I was pretty much mutated. I just downright didn't want to do it. I admire women who CAN do it. I admire women who choose it for their child from the moment they find out they're expecting. It is so inspirational to me that there are women out there who can do it for long periods of time without complaint. I think it is a special bond between a mother and her child, but just because it was not something I had a desire to do, does not make me any less of Jaxon's mother. My preferences don't make up motherhood for him. My care, this life, and my love does. I am not by any means saying breastfeeding is not the way to go, so please don't mistake this post for me saying that. It just wasn't the way for me. Another reason I chose not to breastfeed Jax was because I did not want that attachment with him. No, I am not a bad mother because of this. I knew I would be out of the house a lot, he'd be staying with family and a sitter, and I'd be working a busy job eventually and I did not want him to be so attached to me and our intimate time together that he refused to cling to anyone but me. I think I made a smart, wise decision. Jaxon is very independent now. He is only five months old and is doing things a one year old can do. I love that he doesn't need me to constantly be by his side for everything. That I can leave the room for a little bit and it doesn't bother him. I love that someone else can feed him. I love that he's not picky about the fact I'm already giving him a sippy cup. I love that he'll fall asleep in different places without me there. I don't regret anything about my decision to not breastfeed him. I think it is selfish that the non-breastfeeding mother's hear things like, "My child is going to be a genius because I breastfed. Can't say much for yours." That statement right there was actually spoken to me in a conversation, and that statement is a negative, ghost rider. I believe intelligence comes the right upbringing, what we are taught growing up, and most of all, God. I don't need you to condemn me for choosing to use milk powder instead of breast milk. Either way I decide to feed, my son will be smart because I teach him right, because I raise him right. It is not your child, therefore, not your choice and not your business. I love my baby boy and I do what I think is right for him. I don't ever look down on or judge any other mothers for their choices. I think it is great we all have different views and ways of expressing our love for our children. But it seems like I get a lot of grief for choosing not to breastfeed, so I am glad I covered this first. All I've heard is, "That's what God gave you breasts for - to nourish your child in the best way. You should be ashamed for not at least trying it." No, I shouldn't be ashamed. I don't have to be ashamed. For the same reason you shouldn't be ashamed that your kid is still in diapers at 3 years old. It works the same way for me. Not my kids, not my business. We do things differently, in our time, in our own way, at our own pace.

The second topic I'd like to cover is co-sleeping. I chose NOT to do it. My reasons? Well, yet again, I didn't want that attachment with Jaxon. The last thing I needed was that child sleeping in our bed lol. Not only was I against it for his sake, but for the intimacy between my husband and I. I didn't want a baby in our bed to interfere with that and it most definitely would have. Do I think it's wrong that other parents choose it? Absolutely not. I realize the comfort that comes with knowing they are right next to you. I realize that when you have a huge house it's a pain in the ass to get up and down when they have broken sleep. I know that sometimes it's the only way they'll get some rest and you take what you can get because you also need rest. I don't have any doubt that for some parents and their children, it's the right thing. I know this because not all of my plans went... as planned. Jaxon has not always been an easy baby. He was very difficult the first three weeks of his life. He never slept, cried all the time, and hardly ever let me put him down. I slept on our very uncomfortable microfiber couch (thank God we've upgraded since then!) next to his Mamaroo swing just to keep the two of us from waking up my husband who had to get up early for work every morning. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong to make him so fussy. Why was he not sleeping? I swore to myself while I was pregnant that I would never sleep in the same room as him. I wanted him trained to not expect me there all the time. Why wasn't he just doing what I wanted? Did he have Colic? There were nights I broke down in tears because I was desperate for some relief for myself, and for him. My family is in Texas so I couldn't just call my mom or grandma to rush over and help me or watch him while I took a nap. It was overwhelming. I found out soon enough, his little tummy was hurting him. We discovered the gas drops and the baby cereal in his formula - and it was an instant night and day difference. We got him into a routine and just like that he was set like a clock. He slept through the night from that day forward and we haven't had a problem since. I think the cereal kept his tummy full longer and it diluted the formula enough to ease his gas pains. Best decision I ever made for him. But then I felt a sense of guilt, because I wanted so badly for him to adjust to what I wanted for him and he was still so tiny. He didn't know. I didn't know. He just wanted his momma to hold him. So yes, I do know what having to co-sleep is like. Not for very long, but I know the struggle that some things just can't be helped. Sometimes it isn't even a struggle. It's just a choice, a want, a desire. I do know that sometimes you can't help the attachment. Sometimes it's just an instinct. Every child is different. As long as we are tending to their needs and taking care of them, we have no reason to be ashamed of anything we do with them. We are their parents. We are here from day one. That's how it should be. No one has the right to judge you or your motherly instinct.

As mothers, we know what is best for our child. Not anyone else. Not our mother-in-law, not our grandparents, not our siblings or best friends... WE KNOW. We all have reasons for the things we decide to do. Whether it be, you choose to use straight baby food when it comes time to spoon feed or that you pick baby-led weaning, like myself. Whether you are fine with your child having sugar before age one or whether you aren't. It is ultimately your decision on the direction you send your child in. Either way, they will grow up healthy and strong, just as a baby who is being introduced to foods as a vegetarian. I love being a mom. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I carried this little boy around for nine long months. I endured twelve hours of pain and labor. I pushed and pushed with a crowd of probably ten 'nurses in training' staring at me with my legs spread. I gave birth to this kid. He is my flesh and blood, my legacy. I heard his first cry. I am his mommy. Being a mom is an incredible feeling. But sometimes it isn't always the most supportive and easy environment to cope with. We need to come together and stop the mommy wars. It's just old. To each their own. No questions asked.

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