Photo cred: Anna Angenend
We do not use the bathroom trash can as a step stool so we can climb on the counter.
THIS is the toilet. This is not. *holds up toy box*
Why do you smell so ba.....ooohhhh.
No, daddy isn't home yet.
No, we can't go outside naked when it's 30 degrees.
Are you sharing your dinner with the cat?
Whoever thought of the candy aisles next to the register should be shot.
And the little 25 cent shitty toy machines.
Do you want your butt spanked? (The awkward moment when they nod yes)
Are you going to be good in here, or are we going to have to desert and leave a full shopping cart like last time?
Do you need to go potty?
Do you need to go pee pee?
Why are you holding yourself then?
Do you need to go to the restroom?
Do you need to go potty???
Let's go pee pee.
Don't pee on yourself. Let's go use the potty.
Please don't do a somersault with no clothes on. Please don't. Annnnd you're doing it.
How did you find that app?! I hid it!
*holding camera* Sit still. Smile. Say "cheeeese." Take a picture with me. Wait, no, come back. LOVE ME!
Pick these damn legos up before I step on one.
Did you just fart on me?
STOP FUCKING WITH THE PILLOWS.
Hey, give me my phone back!
Why don't you use that $200 iPad we bought you?
How did you unbuckle that?!
When exactly did you, a 3 year old, get smarter than what you're working with?
Oh, look, there's my kid licking the window inside the playground at Chick-fil-A.
Why are you so sweaty?
Don't pick your nose. Don't pick your nose. Don't pick your nose. Yep. You're picking your nose.
Don't FaceTime anyone.
I get it. You know your ABCs.
Stay in your seat. Do you feel like not having a mom today? Because I don't feel like going to jail today.
Why do you have more money than me?
Where did you put my keys?
Why do they even make stainless steel appliances? Finger. Prints. Everywhere.
Hershey kisses don't count as a breakfast option. *after 30 minute tantrum* Ok, Hershey Kisses are breakfast.
Why are your hands wet? You didn't play in the toilet did you?
So. Much. Laundry.
What is your obsession with the sink?!
How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet. Your little brother is asleep.
Why is your shirt on inside out?
Where is your other shoe?
Did you brush your teeth WITH toothpaste?
You don't have to get completely undressed to go pee.
Stop throwing shit.
Why can you already use curse words in proper context but not tie your shoe?
Stop messing with your brother.
Don't climb on that.
If you break that I'm going to end you. Thou giveth life though taketh away.
Let's read a book together! ...Or we can just rip out the pages. That works.
But yesterday you liked peanut butter??!
You don't dip Cheetos in milk. That's gross.
Did you eat anything at all?
Stop kicking the seat.
You've got the tune right, but those are not the words.
This is the 4th DVD player you've broken.
What did you do to your hair?! I just fixed it!
I have no idea what you just said.
Don't pick your wedgie in public.
Can you cut me a break today?
Hey look! There's the Easter Bunny!
Ok. This was a very bad idea.
You have on clean clothes. Please try not to get dirty.
Let's try not to hit daddy in the nuts again, k?
You did not just eat that...
Where did you put the remote?
Stop hitting the cat with that.
Don't tell me what to do. You're 3 not 30.
How can I get out of here fast without going near the toy aisle?
That's cat food. It's not cereal.
Why can't you go follow your dad around for a while?
I need a Dr. Pepper.
Lots of coffee.
Wine.
Margarita.
Vodka.
Did I just find a dried up dead frog in the floor? Surely not.
Hey, a few little slips of toilet paper will do the trick. The whole roll is really not necessary.
Rocks. In the washing machine.
Oh, cool you drew me something? Let's see...oh. Oh, you drew it on the wall. In the living room. That's greeaaat.
Don't talk back.
Wait, when did you get attitude?
We're going to be in and out of here. We're not buying anything extra.
*drives home with light sabers flashing in the back seat*
Why are you getting that stuff out. You know you're not going to play with it.
Let's sit down and learn some new stuff today. Oh, you wanna throw the flash cards at me and play with my phone under a blanket instead? Cool.
DON'T YOU DARE go running to that door. We don't have to answer every time the doorbell rings. Sometimes, I like to pretend we aren't here.
Let's take a nap together. You're so sweet when you're wilted and snuggly. *2 minutes later* Child is flopping around and driving a race car across my forehead.
Don't you ever get sick of Paw Patrol?
Wtf is a Chickaleta?
Who bought that toy for you? Because I'm going to find them and kill them.
It's family picture day! I can't wait to get some cute new pictures. I really need a new profile picture for Facebook.
Ok. I think this one is salvageable. *sets profile pic*
Use. Your. Spoon.
Baby wipes to clean the countertops. Don't mind if I do.
What is this and why is it sticky?
I know you think you're helping but you're making a bigger mess.
It's not the apocalypse if you can't wear those shoes.
You have to say what you want.
You're gonna break your neck one day.
That's hot. Don't touch it.
I'm not opening another juice box. You already have two.
Oh, that banana has a brown spot. I forgot about the no brown spot, end of the damn world rule.
Is it your bedtime yet? *only 8 AM*
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